So today I haven't used my dilators...
I am not sure if I went a bit too hard with it yesterday, or if I am having some sort of reaction to the posh organic lubricant (I am not very posh, you see), but the skin around my vagina is a bit... sore. Not to give too much information, cos y'know, it's lunchtime, but it feels a bit irritated. I had a look- CHECK ME, LOOKING AT MY OWN GENITALS WITHOUT GAGGING- and it looks fine. But I thought it maybe best not to prod around with dilators today.
What is hilarious though, is that normally I am looking for any excuse not to use my dilators.
OLD ME: OH NO LOOK I HAVE MY PERIOD. OH WELL. **Puts dilators back in bag and does tiny dance round bedroom**
New Me, however, was actually a bit disappointed. And really toyed with the idea of just powering through anyway.
But luckily, Rational Me stepped in and reminded New Me that taking one day off was not a problem. Especially, if the reason is 'sore fanny'.
So, I am having a day off dilators. SIGH.
This has all got me thinking though about the peaks and dips of motivation when you have vaginismus. In all the books and websites that I have trawled through over the years, there is very little written about the hideous lack of motivation that takes over us all at some point during treatment. You often read about 'success stories'- women who suddenly wake up one day and decide ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and work through all the dilators in the space of a month.
But often, this is a website trying to sell a product. It's a bit irresponsible. Pretty much all of the women I have spoken to (and there are LOTS of us, girls!!) have times where we are super keen and motivated, and times when we stick dilators in a drawer and bury our heads in the sand.
The un-motivated, avoidance times are hard. Whilst we are mostly just ignoring it, and pretending it isn't happening, there are pangs of horrible guilt, fear and distress that we'll be in that 4% of women that the websites claim can't be treated.
We read success stories about women with vaginismus who conquered it all in a month and are now mothers, happily skipping around with a brood of beautiful babies, struggling to remember a time when their vagina was uncooperative and they felt like a guilty sack of shit.
So we must remember to read vaginismus articles, websites and forums with a critical eye. Are we being sold dilators? Are we being sold a lie?
It just astounds me that the experiences of the women I speak to through this blog are basically ALL EXACTLY THE SAME. Yet, we are pretty under-represented on the internet. We're not a success story, but we're not quite in the 'total failure' box, so better keep that quiet, or people might stop buying dilators...
Anyway, I am pleased to say that my motivation is still sky high. I just have slightly painful lady-bits. So I'll give them a day off and get back on the it tomorrow.
For anyone out there struggling with motivation, you are not alone! I'll be your cheerleader!