So this morning, I got up, did some yoga, then got my dilators out. As I said, I haven't used them in quite some time so I was a bit nervous about how it would all go.
I took them out of their bag, and there they were, all cuddled up together in their little stack. Such a familiar sight, even thought it's been so long. As I took them out the bag, I said 'Hello Old Friends!'. As you may have gathered from this blog, I have quite an odd sense of humour and find myself HILARIOUS when I talk to dilators.
But today the hilarity was quickly replaced by an overwhelming sadness. As I stood, looking at the stacked up pile of white, plastic willies, I was hit by the injustice and self-pity that goes hand in hand with vaginismus. WHY am I still here? (I don't mean on earth. I mean, still here in the vaginismus struggle). Why do I still need dilators? Why have I not already sorted this out? These questions, as I'm sure you'll know, can be pretty all-consuming and I was on the verge of putting the dilators back in the bag, turning on daytime TV and going into full-blown avoidance mode.
But I stopped myself.
Because nobody can make this go away except for me. If I put the dilators in the bag and plan to do it tomorrow, it ill never go away. Ever. Because tomorrow will never come. Or it will, but it will come with a sack of excuses and denial.
So, channeling Queen Tay-Tay- a role model for women everywhere, I shook it off.
And, ladies and gents, I USED MY DILATORS.
Well, specifically, I used the smallest dilator. But, you have to start somewhere. And I've learned in the past, the dangers of pushing ahead when you're not ready. It's sore, there can be blood, there will definitely be self-loathing.
I had bought myself some lovely, posh organic lubricant to use today. When I opened it, nothing came out the bottle. I shook it and squeezed it and eventually it made it's dramatic entrance. It squirted EVERYWHERE. Actually, everywhere. Well, everywhere but the dilator. It was running down my arms, all over the sofa, even in MY HAIR. But, it made me laugh. And, then I knew it would be OK.
Me and my old friends- Dilators and Lube- just hanging out, having a laugh and getting the job done.
And it was fine. It took me a minute to remember where exactly my elusive vaginal opening was (CLASSIC vaginismus) but once I found it, the dilator slid in with minimal pain and stayed there for a few minutes. I practiced inserting it and taking it out a couple of times, and it was OK. I considered moving on to the next one but decided to leave it till tomorrow. No point rushing it and spoiling a positive moment.
So hooray! My vagina still works!
I am still in control.
Wanna chat? OH YEAH!!!