Look! It's me! I'm back! Blogging two days in a row, yes. But also, DILATING two days in a row.
Admittedly, this morning, I got up feeling much less motivated than I did yesterday. I did yoga, made breakfast, looked mindlessly at facebook... I could feel it... AVOIDANCE. I reasoned with myself.
AVOIDANCE ME: Well, I did it yesterday, so I don't need to do it again today.
RATIONAL ME: The only way it'll get better is if you keep doing it
AVOIDANCE ME: Nah. Not feeling it. Oh look! A funny video about a cat and a penguin becoming friends!
RATIONAL ME: NO!!! The best friendship of all is between a woman scared of her own fanny, a white plastic willy shaped creation and a bottle of very expensive organic lube. Now go and DILATE.
AVOIDANCE ME: Jeeeez. Fine. But I'm only doing the smallest one again.
RATIONAL ME: Fair enough. No point rushing these things.
So the two sides of my brain managed to find a compromise. I just stuck to the smallest dilator again today. And it was all a bit familiar. Even though I was prepared for it this time, I still managed to squirt the very runny, expensive lube everywhere. I still needed a minute of poking around before I managed to locate my vagina. And then I slid little D0 in, with a tiny bit of effort. But once it was in, it was fine. I sat for a while, just feeling the sensation of it being inside. And then, when I felt like enough time had passed (and the organic lube was starting to harden into a crust on my arms, legs, face) I slid the dilator out, washed it and put it away.
All very uneventful. But I think that's what I need. The less dramatic the better. It means it's becoming normal again.
So, I appreciate that might make for some very boring blog posts.
ME EVERY DAY:
YEAH DILATED AGAIN, IT WAS OK. NEARLY COULDN'T FIND MY VAGINA BUT THEN I DID AND IT WAS FINE. THAT EXPENSIVE LUBE IS REALLY F*****G RUNNY, THOUGH.
So I'll try and think of some other vaginismus related things to blog about... But will obviously keep updating on my progress! I am aiming to move up a dilator size tomorrow!
**Now, at the end of my blog posts I usually put my email address and a little shout out to get in touch. While I LOVE hearing from other women with vaginismus, I would just like to say that I am NO SUBSTITUTE for an actual medical professional. I can only provide my own experience, and lots of cheering and support. If you have real medical vagina related concerns, please go and see your doctor! I would hate to give some terrible advice and make the terrible vaginismus beast even worse... **