Monday, 28 November 2016

Back in the Game

Well, I think this is a first... I am writing this post with a dilator inserted! Ha! There's a nice image for you all.

Luckily whatever was making me sore seems to have cleared up and I am now dilator ready again! Hooray.

Decided to be sensible and stick on D0.  But two things happened differently today.

1. I controlled the runny lube like a BOSS. Today it only went where it was supposed to go.
2. I found my vagina like an expert, and slid dilator in with zero faffing and prodding.


So I might still be on the smallest dilator for now, but it is quite exciting to see little bits of progress from day to day.

When I had the 'sore fanny'- I presumed it was down to dilating, but decided to do a little google self-diagnosis just in case.  Visiting Dr. Google is literally the worst thing you could ever do.  You are almost always dying.

Most of my options were sexually transmitted diseases.  NOT LIKELY GOOGLE.

Which got me thinking. There are some benefits to living a sensible life of vaginismus.

1. I have never had an STD
2. I have never had a pregnancy scare
3. I have never had a boyfriend who was only with me 'for the sex'

Whilst these things are possibly viewed as rites of passage for young people, I am quite happy to have dodged them.

So, thanks vaginismus.  Acknowledging your positives wasn't easy, so please be kind to me over the next while!

Can you think of any other positives? Might make an interesting post? Drop me a line

Friday, 25 November 2016

Reason for Absence: Sore Fanny

So today I haven't used my dilators...

I am not sure if I went a bit too hard with it yesterday, or if I am having some sort of reaction to the posh organic lubricant (I am not very posh, you see), but the skin around my vagina is a bit... sore.  Not to give too much information, cos y'know, it's lunchtime, but it feels a bit irritated.  I had a look- CHECK ME, LOOKING AT MY OWN GENITALS WITHOUT GAGGING- and it looks fine. But I thought it maybe best not to prod around with dilators today.

What is hilarious though, is that normally I am looking for any excuse not to use my dilators.

OLD ME:  OH NO LOOK I HAVE MY PERIOD.  OH WELL.  **Puts dilators back in bag and does tiny dance round bedroom**

New Me, however, was actually a bit disappointed.  And really toyed with the idea of just powering through anyway.

But luckily, Rational Me stepped in and reminded New Me that taking one day off was not a problem.  Especially, if the reason is 'sore fanny'.

So, I am having a day off dilators. SIGH.

This has all got me thinking though about the peaks and dips of motivation when you have vaginismus.  In all the books and websites that I have trawled through over the years, there is very little written about the hideous lack of motivation that takes over us all at some point during treatment.  You often read about 'success stories'- women who suddenly wake up one day and decide ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and work through all the dilators in the space of a month.

But often, this is a website trying to sell a product.  It's a bit irresponsible.  Pretty much all of the women I have spoken to (and there are LOTS of us, girls!!) have times where we are super keen and motivated, and times when we stick dilators in a drawer and bury our heads in the sand.

The un-motivated, avoidance times are hard.  Whilst we are mostly just ignoring it, and pretending it isn't happening, there are pangs of horrible guilt, fear and distress that we'll be in that 4% of women that the websites claim can't be treated.

We read success stories about women with vaginismus who conquered it all in a month and are now mothers, happily skipping around with a brood of beautiful babies, struggling to remember a time when their vagina was uncooperative and they felt like a guilty sack of shit.

So we must remember to read vaginismus articles, websites and forums with a critical eye.  Are we being sold dilators?  Are we being sold a lie?

It just astounds me that the experiences of the women I speak to through this blog are basically ALL EXACTLY THE SAME.  Yet, we are pretty under-represented on the internet.  We're not a success story, but we're not quite in the 'total failure' box, so better keep that quiet, or people might stop buying dilators...

Anyway, I am pleased to say that my motivation is still sky high.  I just have slightly painful lady-bits.  So I'll give them a day off and get back on the it tomorrow.

For anyone out there struggling with motivation, you are not alone! I'll be your cheerleader!

Thursday, 24 November 2016

Day Two in the Dilator House

Look! It's me! I'm back! Blogging two days in a row, yes. But also, DILATING two days in a row.


Admittedly, this morning, I got up feeling much less motivated than I did yesterday.  I did yoga, made breakfast, looked mindlessly at facebook... I could feel it... AVOIDANCE.  I reasoned with myself.

AVOIDANCE ME:  Well, I did it yesterday, so I don't need to do it again today.

RATIONAL ME:  The only way it'll get better is if you keep doing it

AVOIDANCE ME:  Nah.  Not feeling it.  Oh look! A funny video about a cat and a penguin becoming friends!

RATIONAL ME:   NO!!! The best friendship of all is between a woman scared of her own fanny, a white plastic willy shaped creation and a bottle of very expensive organic lube. Now go and DILATE.

AVOIDANCE ME:  Jeeeez.  Fine. But I'm only doing the smallest one again.

RATIONAL ME:  Fair enough. No point rushing these things.

So the two sides of my brain managed to find a compromise.  I just stuck to the smallest dilator again today.  And it was all a bit familiar.  Even though I was prepared for it this time, I still managed to squirt the very runny, expensive lube everywhere.  I still needed a minute of poking around before I managed to locate my vagina. And then I slid little D0 in, with a tiny bit of effort.  But once it was in, it was fine.  I sat for a while, just feeling the sensation of it being inside.  And then, when I felt like enough time had passed (and the organic lube was starting to harden into a crust on my arms, legs, face) I slid the dilator out, washed it and put it away.

All very uneventful.  But I think that's what I need. The less dramatic the better.  It means it's becoming normal again.

So, I appreciate that might make for some very boring  blog posts.


So I'll try and think of some other vaginismus related things to blog about... But will obviously keep updating on my progress! I am aiming to move up a dilator size tomorrow!

**Now, at the end of my blog posts I usually put my email address and a little shout out to get in touch.  While I LOVE hearing from other women with vaginismus, I would just like to say that I am NO SUBSTITUTE for an actual medical professional.  I can only provide my own experience, and lots of cheering and support.  If you have real medical vagina related concerns, please go and see your doctor! I would hate to give some terrible advice and make the terrible vaginismus beast even worse... **


Wednesday, 23 November 2016

Hello Old Friends

So this morning, I got up, did some yoga, then got my dilators out.  As I said, I haven't used them in quite some time so I was a bit nervous about how it would all go.

I took them out of their bag, and there they were, all cuddled up together in their little stack.  Such a familiar sight, even thought it's been so long.  As I took them out the bag, I said 'Hello Old Friends!'.  As you may have gathered from this blog, I have quite an odd sense of humour and find myself HILARIOUS when I talk to dilators.

But today the hilarity was quickly replaced by an overwhelming sadness.  As I stood, looking at the stacked up pile of white, plastic willies, I was hit by the injustice and self-pity that goes hand in hand with vaginismus.  WHY am I still here? (I don't mean on earth.  I mean, still here in the vaginismus struggle).  Why do I still need dilators?  Why have I not already sorted this out?  These questions, as I'm sure you'll know, can be pretty all-consuming and I was on the verge of putting the dilators back in the bag, turning on daytime TV and going into full-blown avoidance mode.

But I stopped myself.

Because nobody can make this go away except for me.  If I put the dilators in the bag and plan to do it tomorrow, it ill never go away.  Ever.  Because tomorrow will never come.  Or it will, but it will come with a sack of excuses and denial.

So, channeling Queen Tay-Tay- a role model for women everywhere, I shook it off.

And, ladies and gents, I USED MY DILATORS.

Well, specifically, I used the smallest dilator.  But, you have to start somewhere. And I've learned in the past, the dangers of pushing ahead when you're not ready.  It's sore, there can be blood, there will definitely be self-loathing.

I had bought myself some lovely, posh organic lubricant to use today.  When I opened it, nothing came out the bottle.  I shook it and squeezed it and eventually it made it's dramatic entrance.  It squirted EVERYWHERE.  Actually, everywhere.  Well, everywhere but the dilator.  It was running down my arms, all over the sofa, even in MY HAIR.  But, it made me laugh.  And, then I knew it would be OK.

Me and my old friends- Dilators and Lube- just hanging out, having a laugh and getting the job done.

And it was fine.  It took me a minute to remember where exactly my elusive vaginal opening was (CLASSIC vaginismus) but once I found it, the dilator slid in with minimal pain and stayed there for a few minutes.  I practiced inserting it and taking it out a couple of times, and it was OK.  I considered moving on to the next one but decided to leave it till tomorrow.  No point rushing it and spoiling a positive moment.

So hooray! My vagina still works!

I am still in control.

Wanna chat? OH YEAH!!!

Monday, 21 November 2016

Vaginismus Holiday

Hello lovely vaginismus friends!

I am temporarily living somewhere else... My husband is working away for two months, and in an unusual move, I have decided to join him.  We have a little flat in a brand new city, and, while he is at work, I am planning to use my time super productively.

I have plans to write more.  Make a website for my business.  Catch up on admin that I've been avoiding. Do more yoga.  That kinda thing.

But most of all, ladies, I am going to dilate dilate dilate!  I am always moaning on here about not having time to dilate, not having headspace to think about vaginismus, not having a minute to write new blog posts.

Well, suddenly, I am gifted with QUITE A LOT OF FREE TIME.  It's my vaginismus holiday.

So, it would be silly not to use it, right?

So expect many more updates here- hopefully filled with motivation and progress! I haven't used my dilators in a little while, so I am expecting the first attempts to be a bit difficult, but hoping that the new location, headspace and sense of calm that I have being away from the 'office' might be exactly what is needed to take some steps forward.

First, I need to get back to where I was (D3, second from biggest, going in with minimal pain).  I am pretty sure there's no chance that thing is going in there to begin with. But I'll persevere.  And then I need to move on.  D4 and beyond.  Imagine!

So, speak to you all soon and regularly I hope!

As always, email if you want a chat! I'm pleased to say quite a number of women have been in touch asking for vaginismus contacts in their area.  So if you've been holding back, dont be shy! There might be a new, supportive friend waiting for you in the wings!