GET THE NEWSPAPERS ON THE PHONE! I JUST USED MY DILATORS!
That's right. After a hefty rut of avoidance and, let's face it, laziness, I have dusted off the dilators and stuck them back in my vagina, where they belong. It seemed a shame to let them gather dust on my new sex shelf.
I have probably used my dilators once every couple of weeks since the new year. This, my friends, is NOT conducive to overcoming vaginismus. Practice makes perfect, and half-heartedly using a dilator, whilst watching TV and feeling sorry for yourself, makes for a frigging disaster.
It's time for some effort and motivation. I am going to try and use my dilators EVERY SINGLE DAY this week. No excuses. No laziness. I'm going to set aside 15 minutes every day in the name of vaginismus.
Today, it was very easy to find the time, because I had a day off work. Plenty spare time. The husband went away out to play football, so I have the house to myself. Ideal.
Tomorrow, it will be a bit trickier. I am working all day, and have plans after work. But all I need is 15 minutes. I will find that time. Because it's important.
When you really don't want to do something, it's easy to convince yourself that it doesn't matter. You don't really care, and it doesn't matter if you never get better. Life is still good, right? I think I am a master of deception, but the only person I am fooling is myself.
Time to get real.
This is NOT going to define my life. But I will allow it to define me over the next few weeks/ months, while I sort it out.
So, tonight, Episode One of 'GETTING BACK TO DILATORS AFTER A BIT OF A BREAK' was quite good. First of all, I used my vibrator. This is an excellent way to get ready for some serious dilating. I actually inserted D0 whilst using the vibrator, which was good. It didn't hurt or feel weird. So far, so good.
After I was done with the vibrator (I'll spare you the details), I was feeling pretty confident, so I skipped D1 and went straight to D2. This was a bit painful and took a while to go in. But, I stuck at it and eventually it slid in. I took it out, and put it back in again, just to make sure. And, sure enough, it went in again. Just like old times.
I didn't even attempt D3 tonight. D2 felt like enough. This is something else I am trying to get better at. Pacing myself. Not judging if I can't get dilators in. Not worrying about it. It's been in there before, it'll go in again.
So, overall, a productive evening of dilating. And when I say evening, I mean 15 minutes. I can waste 15 minutes so easily- gawping at Twitter, texting friends, watching rubbish TV...
Yet, at the same time, it's everything.
Want some more motivational chat?! Or just a rant about your vagina? Email me firstname.lastname@example.org