Tuesday, 5 April 2016

The Island of Vaginismus

GUESS WHAT? I just used my dilators. AGAIN. This wee 15 minutes a day thing might actually be realistic.

The nice thing about Hey Vaginismus! is that I know that people are actually reading about what I am doing.  You might even be checking up on me... This is a pretty big motivator not to slip up.  I hate being proven wrong!

So, I am pleased to report another successful dilator-fest.  Only went up to D2 again today... it felt more comfortable than yesterday, so might move on up tomorrow. But there's no rush.

Oh look at me and my new, chilled out perspective on dilators!

So I won't bore you with the ins and outs of what I did tonight.  It's not that different from last night.

Instead, I am going to babble on about some of the lovely people I have 'met' through this blog.  **Cue emotional music**

When I first started Hey Vaginismus!, I didn't really know whether anyone would actually read it.  I was going to chart my journey through vaginismus treatment, but my biggest hope was to find a fellow sufferer who lives nearby, who I could meet face to face for coffee and swapping of dilator stories.

While I have yet to find my Real-Life Vaginismus friend, I am pretty much blown away by the number of internet vaginismus friends that I have made.  I hear from at least one new woman every week who has the condition.  My vaginismus friends live all over the world, are different ages, some are single, some are in relationships... we're all different, but in so many ways we are all exactly the same.  I have lost count of the number of women who have said that whilst reading Hey Vaginismus! they have felt that it could have been written by them.  This is nothing to do with my skills as a writer.  It's because vaginismus does the same things to all of our brains- it makes us sad, scared, angry, irritable, ashamed, irrational, embarrassed... At other times, it makes us feel triumphant, excited, hopeful, loved...

But more often than not it makes us feel alone.

Until, we connect with one another.

Our little vaginismus island, where we sit alone most of the time worrying about drowning in hopelessness, suddenly feels a bit safer.  It's time to turn these islands into a big Vaginismus City.

I know some of my vaginismus friends by name.  Some of them, like me on this blog, are anonymous.

But they're all there for me.  And I'm there for them.

It's an amazing network of women who KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M ON ABOUT.

So, if you're a reader of the blog, and have yet to get in touch and say hello, PLEASE DO!  There's so many of us out there, and just sharing experiences with a fellow sufferer can feel like a huge weight being lifted.

Wish you were here! x


Monday, 4 April 2016

15 Minutes


That's right. After a hefty rut of avoidance and, let's face it, laziness, I have dusted off the dilators and stuck them back in my vagina, where they belong.  It seemed a shame to let them gather dust on my new sex shelf.

I have probably used my dilators once every couple of weeks since the new year.  This, my friends, is NOT conducive to overcoming vaginismus.  Practice makes perfect, and half-heartedly using a dilator, whilst watching TV and feeling sorry for yourself, makes for a frigging disaster.

It's time for some effort and motivation.  I am going to try and use my dilators EVERY SINGLE DAY this week.  No excuses. No laziness.  I'm going to set aside 15 minutes every day in the name of vaginismus.

Today, it was very easy to find the time, because I had a day off work.  Plenty spare time. The husband went away out to play football, so I have the house to myself. Ideal.

Tomorrow, it will be a bit trickier.  I am working all day, and have plans after work.  But all I need is 15 minutes. I will find that time.  Because it's important.

When you really don't want to do something, it's easy to convince yourself that it doesn't matter. You don't really care, and it doesn't matter if you never get better.  Life is still good, right?  I think I am a master of deception, but the only person I am fooling is myself.

Time to get real.

This is NOT going to define my life. But I will allow it to define me over the next few weeks/ months,  while I sort it out.

So, tonight, Episode One of 'GETTING BACK TO DILATORS AFTER A BIT OF A BREAK' was quite good.  First of all, I used my vibrator.  This is an excellent way to get ready for some serious dilating.  I actually inserted D0 whilst using the vibrator, which was good.  It didn't hurt or feel weird. So far, so good.

After I was done with the vibrator (I'll spare you the details), I was feeling pretty confident, so I skipped D1 and went straight to D2.  This was a bit painful and took a while to go in.  But, I stuck at it and eventually it slid in. I took it out, and put it back in again, just to make sure.  And, sure enough, it went in again.  Just like old times.

I didn't even attempt D3 tonight.  D2 felt like enough.  This is something else I am trying to get better at.  Pacing myself.  Not judging if I can't get dilators in.  Not worrying about it. It's been in there before, it'll go in again.

So, overall, a productive evening of dilating.  And when I say evening, I mean 15 minutes. I can waste 15 minutes so easily- gawping at Twitter,  texting friends, watching rubbish TV...  


It's nothing.

Yet, at the same time, it's everything.

Want some more motivational chat?! Or just a rant about your vagina? Email me heyvaginismus@gmail.com