ARGH! I am currently wearing a big sparkly vulva shaped crown, which has been awarded to the most rubbish blogger ever.
Apologies for the silence. And thank you for the emails!
Hello. I am back!
So, it's currently everyone's favourite thing in the world- a 'long weekend'. Usually, for me this involves lying around in a pair of yoga pants, drinking wine and watching endless episodes of Friends. But this weekend, as a special Easter treat, the husband and I decided to spring clean.
After what felt like a lifetime of renting, we bought our first home together two years ago. And over those two years we have painted, decorated, carpeted, accessorised and shown lots of love to our little flat. We have also accumulated a LOT of stuff. And when I say stuff, I really mean random, pointless crap that has no use to anyone ever yet we can't bear to throw it away. I am sure you know what I mean.
Anyway, this weekend, we tackled this issue head on. We ruthlessly chucked away clothes, bags, a ridiculous amount of empty shoe boxes, piles of paperwork from jobs that we don't even do anymore, and (with great sadness) said goodbye to the garden gnome who resided in our toilet.
Everything has been streamlined, tidied, scrubbed and beautified. Our flat is looking GREAT.
As I was de-cluttering my life, I obviously came across all my 'vaginismus stuff', which is generally hidden away at the back of my underwear drawer. Why is it hidden? Who am I hiding it from? My husband? I think he MIGHT be aware of the situation...
My dilators live inside the little drawstring bag that came with the kit. The bag of dilators lives inside a padded envelope. The padded envelope lives inside a plastic bag.
It's like a giant game of psychosexual pass the parcel. With the prize at the end being my biggest secret.
It struck me, suddenly, that hiding dilators inside a drawstring bag, inside an envelope, inside a plastic bag at the back of my underwear drawer might be a little bit melodramatic. Apart from the fact that nobody ever goes into my bedroom except for the husband and I, the whole practice of hiding them oozes shame and embarrassment over vaginismus. And that is something I am pleased to say I don't really have any more.
So as part of the Spring Clean, I have liberated my dilators. They are still living in the drawstring bag but the padded envelope and plastic bag have been binned. The dilators take pride of place on a little shelf next to my bed, alongside all my other vaginismus busting items- lots of lube, a hand mirror, tissues, a vibrator...
I was going to call it my vaginismus shelf.
But actually, let's call it my 'sex shelf'. That's right. The woman with the worlds most nervous vagina has a SEX SHELF in her bedroom. Because, all of the things on the vaginismus shelf can actually be used during sex.
OK, maybe not the hand mirror...
Actually, hey why not the hand mirror? Whatever does it for you!
Having all of the sex stuff and vaginismus stuff living harmoniously on a shelf in my bedroom feels like a big step towards acceptance. And shagging.
Spring has sprung! And hopefully, so has a new, more sex-confident me!