Monday, 28 March 2016

Spring Cleaning

ARGH! I am currently wearing a big sparkly vulva shaped crown, which has been awarded to the most rubbish blogger ever.

Apologies for the silence. And thank you for the emails!

Hello. I am back!

So, it's currently everyone's favourite thing in the world- a 'long weekend'.  Usually, for me this involves lying around in a pair of yoga pants, drinking wine and watching endless episodes of Friends.  But this weekend, as a special Easter treat, the husband and I decided to spring clean.

After what felt like a lifetime of renting, we bought our first home together two years ago.  And over those two years we have painted, decorated, carpeted, accessorised and shown lots of love to our little flat.  We have also accumulated a LOT of stuff.  And when I say stuff, I really mean random, pointless crap that has no use to anyone ever yet we can't bear to throw it away.  I am sure you know what I mean.

Anyway, this weekend, we tackled this issue head on.  We ruthlessly chucked away clothes, bags, a ridiculous amount of empty shoe boxes, piles of paperwork from jobs that we don't even do anymore, and (with great sadness) said goodbye to the garden gnome who resided in our toilet.

Everything has been streamlined, tidied, scrubbed and beautified.  Our flat is looking GREAT.

As I was de-cluttering my life, I obviously came across all my 'vaginismus stuff', which is generally hidden away at the back of my underwear drawer. Why is it hidden?  Who am I hiding it from?  My husband?  I think he MIGHT be aware of the situation...

My dilators live inside the little drawstring bag that came with the kit.  The bag of dilators lives inside a padded envelope.  The padded envelope lives inside a plastic bag.

It's like a giant game of psychosexual pass the parcel.  With the prize at the end being my biggest secret.

It struck me, suddenly, that hiding dilators inside a drawstring bag, inside an envelope, inside a plastic bag at the back of my underwear drawer might be a little bit melodramatic.  Apart from the fact that nobody ever goes into my bedroom except for the husband and I, the whole practice of hiding them oozes shame and embarrassment over vaginismus.  And that is something I am pleased to say I don't really have any more.

So as part of the Spring Clean, I have liberated my dilators.  They are still living in the drawstring bag but the padded envelope and plastic bag have been binned.  The dilators take pride of place on a little shelf next to my bed, alongside all my other vaginismus busting items- lots of lube, a hand mirror, tissues, a vibrator...

I was going to call it my vaginismus shelf.

But actually, let's call it my 'sex shelf'.  That's right.  The woman with the worlds most nervous vagina has a SEX SHELF in her bedroom.  Because, all of the things on the vaginismus shelf can actually be used during sex.

OK, maybe not the hand mirror...

Actually, hey why not the hand mirror? Whatever does it for you!

Having all of the sex stuff and vaginismus stuff living harmoniously on a shelf in my bedroom feels like a big step towards acceptance. And shagging.

Spring has sprung! And hopefully, so has a new, more sex-confident me!

Tuesday, 1 March 2016

Broken Record

Although I have vaginismus,  and therefore cannot have intercourse, I have been taking the contraceptive pill for years.  Paradoxical, right?

Without going in to too much gory, bloody detail- I take the contraceptive pill to regulate my periods. Because without it, my period is a total beast and hangs around for, like, 10 days.  I need that pill!

I'm now going to run you through my medical history...

I first spoke to my doctor about my suspicions that I have a dodgy vagina when I was 21.  I was told I had vaginismus by a psychosexual therapist a few months later.  Hooray.  Diagnosis!

When I turned 25, I started receiving letters from the doctor, telling it me was time to come for my smear test.  Obviously, my vaginismus head did the only thing it knew how to, and scrunched each of those letters up and threw them in the the bin. WHERE THEY BELONG. No speculum in my vagina, thanks!

When I was 23, I registered with a new doctor, and at my initial appointment, the nurse said she would do my smear test.  You know... seeing as you're here...  I went beetroot red and mumbled that I had never had sex.  'SPEAK UP? EXCUSE ME?'  I have never had sex.  I have vaginismus.  It says so in my records... doesn't it?

It did not.

When I was around 25ish, I broke my toe.  I went to see my doctor, who confirmed that it was indeed broken, and there was nothing he could do.  I just had to ride it out.  I thanked him, and was about to hobble out the door, when he stopped me.  He said, seeing as I was here, we might as well have a wee look at my records and just make sure everything's up to date.  He asked my how I was getting on with my smoking... I looked at him, baffled.   I have never smoked.  He insisted that I must have once been a smoker, because it said on the record to ask me how I was getting on with quitting.  After a lot of backwards and forwards 'YES YOU DID'... 'No I didn't!' he dropped the issue and moved on to smear tests.

Again, I went bright red and looked at my hands...  SorryIhaventhadsexsoIdontthinkIneedasmeartest. 'PARDON? SORRY I DIDNT CATCH THAT? SAY IT AGAIN- LOUDER AND SLOWER PLEASE!' I have never had sex.  I have vaginismus.  It should be in my record...  Oh never mind...

You can see this pattern emerging, right?

Every time I have gone to the doctor with a minor, non-vaginismus related ailment, I have been asked to drop my pants and let them stick a speculum in my vagina.  And every time, I look at the floor, turn red and have to explain AGAIN that I have not had sex.  I cannot have sex.  I have vaginismus.

Why is it not in my records?

Is it not a genuine enough condition?  Does it not deserve to go in my notes?  Do I not deserve a break from having to tell that same story, over and over.  Sometimes to the same doctor?

This morning, I went to the doctor to get a new prescription of contraceptive pills. This time I was prepared and I was NOT going to look at the floor.

We had a bit of chit-chat... ANY SIDE EFFECTS?... No everything is fine...


That's incorrect. I've actually never had a smear test.  Ever.


I was diagnosed with vaginismus nearly 10 years ago. I've seen lots of doctors about it.  That's weird that you don't have a note of it on my record.


No. I have vaginismus.  I'm having treatment at the moment. I'll come back once I've had sex.  Which will be quite soon, hopefully!

And then I left.  Head held high.  Not ashamed.

I hope next time I go to the doctors, I don't need to explain the vaginismus story.

Maybe because they have actually written it down this time.

Or maybe because I'll no longer have it.

Tell me your doctor stories from hell...  and let's start some kinda vaginismus revolution or whatever!