My biggest fear throughout all of this crazy vaginismus journey is suddenly finding myself back at Square One.
I mean, suddenly waking up and finding that my vagina has shrivelled up, nothing will go in and I can no longer touch myself without wanting to be vomit. This might sound dramatic, but remember, this is where I was less than six months ago.
For the last quarter of 2015, work was thin on the ground and I had endless hours to dedicate to vaginismus. I used my dilators every day, and updated this blog a couple of times a week. It felt like a second job, but in a very exciting and rewarding way.
Then 2016 hit- work is pouring in thick and fast and I am finding myself with barely one day off per week, and juggling four or five projects at a time. My inbox is constantly pinging, my phone is constantly ringing, and my dilators haven't seen the light of day.
The fear of Square One though has suddenly hit, and this week I am determined to get a grip on my vagina, once again. I used my dilators last night and was pretty disappointed that D2, which previously slid in with no problems, was sore and uncomfortable. Yes, I got it in (eventually) but the burning, stinging vaginismus pain was ever-present and I quickly had to remove the dilator. I didn't even attempt D3. Sometimes it's OK to know your limits, and forcing stuff into your already nervous vagina can be a bit counter-productive.
It's quite hard not to get sad about this- but I am trying very hard not to beat myself up! And I am going to try again tonight. It's a process of re-training my brain and my vag and reminding them both that it's totally OK to co-operate with each other.
We've done it before.
We'll do it again.
With regards to Square One, the chances of going all the way back are so tiny. I know that. Because, even though I have been busy and dilating has taken a backseat, I have taken control of vaginismus. I must not forget that! A temporary break isn't ideal, but I am never starting from scratch.
In under six months I have:
- touched my genitals without feeling queasy
-masturbated more than I have in my entire life
- inserted a tampon
- inserted four out of five dilators, with no pain
- let my husband insert his finger
- let my husband insert a dilator
- seriously considered the possibility that soon I might be able to have penetrative sex
Not bad at all.
It's worth reminding ourselves sometimes of how far we've come. It puts things into perspective. TONIGHT, D3, YOU WILL GO IN MY VAGINA. (But if you don't, it's cool... we'll try again tomorrow)...
Any tips on keeping motovated? PING THEM MY WAY! firstname.lastname@example.org