I'm currently sitting in my old bedroom at my mum's house- home for the holidays and all that. The place where it all began... My first failed tampon attempt, the first time I looked at my genitals in a hand mirror and nearly vomited, the place where I began to suspect that things might not be quite right, the place that NEVER saw any sneaky teenage sex... There's something quite odd about being here, and knowing that it was no ordinary teenage bedroom. There's still a crucifix and a picture of the good old Virgin Mary stashed away in a drawer. I guess my mum's keeping them in the hopes that I one day change my mind, and find my faith again... Sorry mum... Unlikely.
I have been Grade A Shite at writing the blog over the last few weeks. Nothing is wrong- just been busy with all that the festive season brings. Christmas shopping, nights out, nights in and (sing it with me) driving home for Christmas, has left me with not very much time to think about my vagina. But I am taking a little minute to think about it now. And all of you.
I know that not everyone reading this blog will be celebrating Christmas tomorrow. But I will be, and I wanted to say that Christmas is a time for family and friends and being with the people you care about. And, you, lovely readers, are my little vaginismus family. I have told you things that I have not shared with my mum, sister, best friends. You have supported me and encouraged me in ways that have made me feel so grateful. I hope that I have provided the same for you. We are united by something awful and difficult, but through this we have found one another. For those of you that I speak to through email, I now know your stories, and I root for you and hope for your success in the same way that I root for my best friends when they are going through hard times. When I receive an email from you, I get the same excitement and joy that I feel when I hear from a close friend or relative.
You are my sisters.
Vaginismus sisters.
Vaginisters?
So, whether you are celebrating Christmas or not, I want to say a big thank you and send lots of joy and love to everyone that reads this blog. I hope that 2017 is our year, the year we overcome, the year we say goodbye to vaginismus. But it might not be. And that is OK. Because we have each other.
Christmas can be a time for being over sentimental, and that ain't my style so I'll sign off here before I start going all Gwyneth Paltrow at the Oscars on you.
Merry Christmas, Vaginisters!
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
xxx
Saturday, 24 December 2016
Saturday, 10 December 2016
Vaginistory
OK, excuse the title of this. Spent ages trying to combine the words Vaginismus and History and this is the best I could do.
SO! A history lesson this morning. Yesterday, I found myself deep in the heart of the internet. You know those days? You google 'how to change a tire' and suddenly find yourself reading about the world's most poisonous eel or whatever. Thanks Wikipedia, for wasting 6 hours of my life but also for enlightening me.
Anyway, yesterday, I can't remember my original google search but I found myself watching a little film about Queen Elizabeth the first of England. Now, my British history is really, really bad but I do know a little bit about Elizabeth. She was the one who ordered Mary Queen of Scots to have her head chopped off, and as a Scot myself, I studied that particular story to death in school. Elizabeth was clearly the villain. That is what I knew of her. She was a total cow. Oh, and I also knew that she allegedly died a virgin. Elizabeth the first is affectionately remembered as 'The Virgin Queen'.
Now, there's lot's of discussion and rumour about whether she was or was not a virgin, and if so why she had remained unmarried and child-free (Sound familiar ladies?? Poor Elizabeth! Leave her alone!) After reading about it for a little while and getting mighty suspicious, I googled 'Queen Elizabeth 1 vaginismus'. And, lo and behold, I found an article which said this:
Elizabeth may have also had a devastating secret, suggesting that she had less choice in the matter. The playwright Ben Jonson talked about the queen having “a membrane on her which made her incapable of man.” This could mean she had an abnormally thick hymen, or that she was debilitated by vaginismus, which makes the vaginal muscles tight, rendering the sufferer unable to have normal sex.
The full article is here by the way, in case you like Royal mysteries: http://listverse.com/2015/06/22/10-mysteries-and-secrets-surrounding-british-royalty/
Now, I haven't dug around enough to know how the playwright Ben Johnson ACTUALLY knew this, but it does sound a little bit familiar to me... My vaginismus radar is glowing...
And poor Elizabeth was a prime candidate for vaginismus. Her father was everyone's favourite chauvinist Henry V111, the guy who married six different women and beheaded the ones who couldn't provide him with sons. Her mother died when she was two years old, and she she spent her life observing her father mistreating his consequent wives. She was not provided with a healthy view of women, relationships and sex.
Could Queen Elizabeth 1 be our vaginismus poster girl?
Obviously we'll never know. But it is interesting. And interesting to think how many other women throughout history have suffered a condition in silence. I often look at famous people and wonder... Could she have it? Would a 'celebrity' ever speak out about having this condition?
We can speculate, and wonder, and dream of a day when we don't have to speculate and wonder. But. for now, let's raise a goblet of ale to Elizabeth, our potential vaginismus sister, and our Virgin Queen.
talk to The Virgin Blogger: heyvaginismus@gmail.com
SO! A history lesson this morning. Yesterday, I found myself deep in the heart of the internet. You know those days? You google 'how to change a tire' and suddenly find yourself reading about the world's most poisonous eel or whatever. Thanks Wikipedia, for wasting 6 hours of my life but also for enlightening me.
Anyway, yesterday, I can't remember my original google search but I found myself watching a little film about Queen Elizabeth the first of England. Now, my British history is really, really bad but I do know a little bit about Elizabeth. She was the one who ordered Mary Queen of Scots to have her head chopped off, and as a Scot myself, I studied that particular story to death in school. Elizabeth was clearly the villain. That is what I knew of her. She was a total cow. Oh, and I also knew that she allegedly died a virgin. Elizabeth the first is affectionately remembered as 'The Virgin Queen'.
Now, there's lot's of discussion and rumour about whether she was or was not a virgin, and if so why she had remained unmarried and child-free (Sound familiar ladies?? Poor Elizabeth! Leave her alone!) After reading about it for a little while and getting mighty suspicious, I googled 'Queen Elizabeth 1 vaginismus'. And, lo and behold, I found an article which said this:
Elizabeth may have also had a devastating secret, suggesting that she had less choice in the matter. The playwright Ben Jonson talked about the queen having “a membrane on her which made her incapable of man.” This could mean she had an abnormally thick hymen, or that she was debilitated by vaginismus, which makes the vaginal muscles tight, rendering the sufferer unable to have normal sex.
The full article is here by the way, in case you like Royal mysteries: http://listverse.com/2015/06/22/10-mysteries-and-secrets-surrounding-british-royalty/
Now, I haven't dug around enough to know how the playwright Ben Johnson ACTUALLY knew this, but it does sound a little bit familiar to me... My vaginismus radar is glowing...
And poor Elizabeth was a prime candidate for vaginismus. Her father was everyone's favourite chauvinist Henry V111, the guy who married six different women and beheaded the ones who couldn't provide him with sons. Her mother died when she was two years old, and she she spent her life observing her father mistreating his consequent wives. She was not provided with a healthy view of women, relationships and sex.
Could Queen Elizabeth 1 be our vaginismus poster girl?
Obviously we'll never know. But it is interesting. And interesting to think how many other women throughout history have suffered a condition in silence. I often look at famous people and wonder... Could she have it? Would a 'celebrity' ever speak out about having this condition?
We can speculate, and wonder, and dream of a day when we don't have to speculate and wonder. But. for now, let's raise a goblet of ale to Elizabeth, our potential vaginismus sister, and our Virgin Queen.
talk to The Virgin Blogger: heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Friday, 2 December 2016
Hey Vag Says Relax!
I just had a nice, successful session of using dilators. No pain, no fear- very good!
I was thinking about what the different factors are that can lead to a good dilating session. Because, let's be honest, we've all had ones where we feel like absolute winners, and others that have ended in tears, frustration and hopelessness.
The key word is always 'relax'. If you are relaxed, you'll probably be able to insert a dilator, right? We've read it on websites and been told it by our therapists. It's not really rocket science. Since vaginismus thrives on tension, it's obvious nemesis is relaxation.
But HOW does one relax to the point of being able to insert a dilator? And is there more to it than simple 'relaxing'. If it that was that simple, we'd all be off having sex.
I am NOT A MEDICAL EXPERT. I have a theatre degree, for goodness sake. But I have been dealing with vaginismus for a very long time so here's my thoughts on that mysterious 'relaxation' that we all need to find... Or at the very least, the best and worst times to attempt dilating...
WHEN NOT TO DILATE (in my non-medical professional opinion)
MOOD
Mood has a massive effect on my ability to insert a dilator. We all have good days, and bad days. That's normal. But if you're having a bad one, chances are you'll not be relaxed. So I wouldn't suggest trying to insert a dilator if you're in a foul mood. If you've had a terrible day at work, a fight with your partner, had to stand with your face in a strangers armpit on the train home, got caught in the rain... PUT THE DILATOR DOWN. Go and open a box of chocolates and watch some trash TV. Your bad mood will only cause stress and frustration, which is NOT conducive to good dilating.
COMPARISONS
While vaginismus forums and blogs are a really great thing (biased? moi?), they can also have their drawbacks. The plus side is an instant network of women in the same boat, and access to advice, support and sharing of stories. The downside is a bit of unhealthy comparison. That women you spoke to the other day who had never inserted a dilator is now up to the biggest one. Meanwhile yours havent been out the drawer for a month? That feeling. Not healthy. Use forums, read blogs (especially mine!), but dont use other women's success as a benchmark. We are all different in this crazy struggle, and will tackle it at different paces. If you go into a dilating session determined to catch up with VaginismusGirl300 from the forum, you'll work at a pace that isn't right for you. And you'll probably hurt yourself. So calm down. This is your journey.
TIME
Picture the scene: You're train is running late, you get home from work and have 45 minutes to throw dinner down your face, get changed, and get back out the door again for a social event that you kinda forgot you were supposed to be going to until you got a reminder text message on the journey home. But oh no, you haven't used your dilators in a few days. And now you feel super guilty. Sound familiar? Well, here's a massive piece of advice. Only got 3 minutes to spare, in amongst a sea of other shit that needs done? Leave the dilators in the drawer. Nobody's judging. Let's face it, nobody will even know. Stressed out dilating= bad dilating. There will be another day to do it.
ALCOHOL
It's an all too common story that women with vaginismus are often treated by ill-informed doctors who suggest 'a glass of wine to relax'. This really annoys me (but will save that rant for another day!). However, it could be said that a nice glass of wine at the end of the day does help you relax. Now, I REALLY LOVE a big yummy glass of wine. But have never, ever used dilators after drinking alcohol. This wasn't a massively conscious decision, but I think I have a bit of a fear that I would associate alcohol with relaxing, therefore could only insert dilators, and later on only have sex, if I'd been drinking. I don't think that's healthy. But that's just my opinion... If it works for you, then cheers!
WHEN TO DILATE (in my very non-medical professional opinion)
MOOD
The best mood for dilating is when you're feeling really damn good about yourself! I think a good time to do it is after exercising, because you're usually on a bit of a buzz after moving your body. My movement of choice is yoga, or dancing, but whatever works for you. I do think yoga is a total winner though. I'm quite often amazed by my body during a yoga class. Things that seem physically, fucking impossible are suddenly a reality with a bit of hard work and commitment (now doesn't this sound a bit familiar...!) But also, try dilating after a successful day at work, or after a nice day out with friends, or even on a day off when you are doing NOTHING. If you're feeling happy and good and in love with yourself and the world, get out that dilator!
COMPARISONS
While I said earlier it's not good to compare yourself to others, it can be quite good to compare yourself to yourself. Remind yourself how far you've come. Be kind to yourself. If you move up a dilator then CONGRATULATE YOURSELF GIRL! If you are stuck on the same dilator for a while, acknowledge that this makes you feel rubbish, but also remind yourself that there was once a time when you couldn't insert anything. Be proud. And buy yourself a treat. A new lipstick, or some bubble bath or a pizza. You deserve it, you total champion.
TIME
If you get into a dilating routine, you'll probably find a time that works for you. So whether it's first thing in the morning, or before bed, or after lunch... it's your time. Stick to it, but don't beat yourself up if something comes up in your precious timeslot. Life happens. Don't be a slave to a dilator.
ALCOHOL
As I said, this doesn't work for me. But it might for you. However, what might be nice if you're in a relationship, would be to go for a few drinks (not loads, you need to be functional for the next bit), and then go home and try some stuff out. Maybe inserting a finger, or a vibrator... But, the alcohol isn't the key here. It's about going out on a nice date, spending time together whilst wearing nice clothes, and then coming home and having sex. SOUNDS GOOD.
So that, my friends, is my thoughts on the matter of when you should and should not dilate (I realise nobody asked me, but thought it nice to see tips written by a woman with actual vaginismus). Would love to hear your thoughts on this! Anything you disagree with, or any other dos and donts?
SAY HEY : heyvaginismus@gmail.com
I was thinking about what the different factors are that can lead to a good dilating session. Because, let's be honest, we've all had ones where we feel like absolute winners, and others that have ended in tears, frustration and hopelessness.
The key word is always 'relax'. If you are relaxed, you'll probably be able to insert a dilator, right? We've read it on websites and been told it by our therapists. It's not really rocket science. Since vaginismus thrives on tension, it's obvious nemesis is relaxation.
But HOW does one relax to the point of being able to insert a dilator? And is there more to it than simple 'relaxing'. If it that was that simple, we'd all be off having sex.
I am NOT A MEDICAL EXPERT. I have a theatre degree, for goodness sake. But I have been dealing with vaginismus for a very long time so here's my thoughts on that mysterious 'relaxation' that we all need to find... Or at the very least, the best and worst times to attempt dilating...
WHEN NOT TO DILATE (in my non-medical professional opinion)
MOOD
Mood has a massive effect on my ability to insert a dilator. We all have good days, and bad days. That's normal. But if you're having a bad one, chances are you'll not be relaxed. So I wouldn't suggest trying to insert a dilator if you're in a foul mood. If you've had a terrible day at work, a fight with your partner, had to stand with your face in a strangers armpit on the train home, got caught in the rain... PUT THE DILATOR DOWN. Go and open a box of chocolates and watch some trash TV. Your bad mood will only cause stress and frustration, which is NOT conducive to good dilating.
COMPARISONS
While vaginismus forums and blogs are a really great thing (biased? moi?), they can also have their drawbacks. The plus side is an instant network of women in the same boat, and access to advice, support and sharing of stories. The downside is a bit of unhealthy comparison. That women you spoke to the other day who had never inserted a dilator is now up to the biggest one. Meanwhile yours havent been out the drawer for a month? That feeling. Not healthy. Use forums, read blogs (especially mine!), but dont use other women's success as a benchmark. We are all different in this crazy struggle, and will tackle it at different paces. If you go into a dilating session determined to catch up with VaginismusGirl300 from the forum, you'll work at a pace that isn't right for you. And you'll probably hurt yourself. So calm down. This is your journey.
TIME
Picture the scene: You're train is running late, you get home from work and have 45 minutes to throw dinner down your face, get changed, and get back out the door again for a social event that you kinda forgot you were supposed to be going to until you got a reminder text message on the journey home. But oh no, you haven't used your dilators in a few days. And now you feel super guilty. Sound familiar? Well, here's a massive piece of advice. Only got 3 minutes to spare, in amongst a sea of other shit that needs done? Leave the dilators in the drawer. Nobody's judging. Let's face it, nobody will even know. Stressed out dilating= bad dilating. There will be another day to do it.
ALCOHOL
It's an all too common story that women with vaginismus are often treated by ill-informed doctors who suggest 'a glass of wine to relax'. This really annoys me (but will save that rant for another day!). However, it could be said that a nice glass of wine at the end of the day does help you relax. Now, I REALLY LOVE a big yummy glass of wine. But have never, ever used dilators after drinking alcohol. This wasn't a massively conscious decision, but I think I have a bit of a fear that I would associate alcohol with relaxing, therefore could only insert dilators, and later on only have sex, if I'd been drinking. I don't think that's healthy. But that's just my opinion... If it works for you, then cheers!
WHEN TO DILATE (in my very non-medical professional opinion)
MOOD
The best mood for dilating is when you're feeling really damn good about yourself! I think a good time to do it is after exercising, because you're usually on a bit of a buzz after moving your body. My movement of choice is yoga, or dancing, but whatever works for you. I do think yoga is a total winner though. I'm quite often amazed by my body during a yoga class. Things that seem physically, fucking impossible are suddenly a reality with a bit of hard work and commitment (now doesn't this sound a bit familiar...!) But also, try dilating after a successful day at work, or after a nice day out with friends, or even on a day off when you are doing NOTHING. If you're feeling happy and good and in love with yourself and the world, get out that dilator!
COMPARISONS
While I said earlier it's not good to compare yourself to others, it can be quite good to compare yourself to yourself. Remind yourself how far you've come. Be kind to yourself. If you move up a dilator then CONGRATULATE YOURSELF GIRL! If you are stuck on the same dilator for a while, acknowledge that this makes you feel rubbish, but also remind yourself that there was once a time when you couldn't insert anything. Be proud. And buy yourself a treat. A new lipstick, or some bubble bath or a pizza. You deserve it, you total champion.
TIME
If you get into a dilating routine, you'll probably find a time that works for you. So whether it's first thing in the morning, or before bed, or after lunch... it's your time. Stick to it, but don't beat yourself up if something comes up in your precious timeslot. Life happens. Don't be a slave to a dilator.
ALCOHOL
As I said, this doesn't work for me. But it might for you. However, what might be nice if you're in a relationship, would be to go for a few drinks (not loads, you need to be functional for the next bit), and then go home and try some stuff out. Maybe inserting a finger, or a vibrator... But, the alcohol isn't the key here. It's about going out on a nice date, spending time together whilst wearing nice clothes, and then coming home and having sex. SOUNDS GOOD.
So that, my friends, is my thoughts on the matter of when you should and should not dilate (I realise nobody asked me, but thought it nice to see tips written by a woman with actual vaginismus). Would love to hear your thoughts on this! Anything you disagree with, or any other dos and donts?
SAY HEY : heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Monday, 28 November 2016
Back in the Game
Well, I think this is a first... I am writing this post with a dilator inserted! Ha! There's a nice image for you all.
Luckily whatever was making me sore seems to have cleared up and I am now dilator ready again! Hooray.
Decided to be sensible and stick on D0. But two things happened differently today.
1. I controlled the runny lube like a BOSS. Today it only went where it was supposed to go.
2. I found my vagina like an expert, and slid dilator in with zero faffing and prodding.
DILATING WINNER.
So I might still be on the smallest dilator for now, but it is quite exciting to see little bits of progress from day to day.
When I had the 'sore fanny'- I presumed it was down to dilating, but decided to do a little google self-diagnosis just in case. Visiting Dr. Google is literally the worst thing you could ever do. You are almost always dying.
Most of my options were sexually transmitted diseases. NOT LIKELY GOOGLE.
Which got me thinking. There are some benefits to living a sensible life of vaginismus.
1. I have never had an STD
2. I have never had a pregnancy scare
3. I have never had a boyfriend who was only with me 'for the sex'
Whilst these things are possibly viewed as rites of passage for young people, I am quite happy to have dodged them.
So, thanks vaginismus. Acknowledging your positives wasn't easy, so please be kind to me over the next while!
Can you think of any other positives? Might make an interesting post? Drop me a line heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Luckily whatever was making me sore seems to have cleared up and I am now dilator ready again! Hooray.
Decided to be sensible and stick on D0. But two things happened differently today.
1. I controlled the runny lube like a BOSS. Today it only went where it was supposed to go.
2. I found my vagina like an expert, and slid dilator in with zero faffing and prodding.
DILATING WINNER.
So I might still be on the smallest dilator for now, but it is quite exciting to see little bits of progress from day to day.
When I had the 'sore fanny'- I presumed it was down to dilating, but decided to do a little google self-diagnosis just in case. Visiting Dr. Google is literally the worst thing you could ever do. You are almost always dying.
Most of my options were sexually transmitted diseases. NOT LIKELY GOOGLE.
Which got me thinking. There are some benefits to living a sensible life of vaginismus.
1. I have never had an STD
2. I have never had a pregnancy scare
3. I have never had a boyfriend who was only with me 'for the sex'
Whilst these things are possibly viewed as rites of passage for young people, I am quite happy to have dodged them.
So, thanks vaginismus. Acknowledging your positives wasn't easy, so please be kind to me over the next while!
Can you think of any other positives? Might make an interesting post? Drop me a line heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Friday, 25 November 2016
Reason for Absence: Sore Fanny
So today I haven't used my dilators...
I am not sure if I went a bit too hard with it yesterday, or if I am having some sort of reaction to the posh organic lubricant (I am not very posh, you see), but the skin around my vagina is a bit... sore. Not to give too much information, cos y'know, it's lunchtime, but it feels a bit irritated. I had a look- CHECK ME, LOOKING AT MY OWN GENITALS WITHOUT GAGGING- and it looks fine. But I thought it maybe best not to prod around with dilators today.
What is hilarious though, is that normally I am looking for any excuse not to use my dilators.
OLD ME: OH NO LOOK I HAVE MY PERIOD. OH WELL. **Puts dilators back in bag and does tiny dance round bedroom**
New Me, however, was actually a bit disappointed. And really toyed with the idea of just powering through anyway.
But luckily, Rational Me stepped in and reminded New Me that taking one day off was not a problem. Especially, if the reason is 'sore fanny'.
So, I am having a day off dilators. SIGH.
This has all got me thinking though about the peaks and dips of motivation when you have vaginismus. In all the books and websites that I have trawled through over the years, there is very little written about the hideous lack of motivation that takes over us all at some point during treatment. You often read about 'success stories'- women who suddenly wake up one day and decide ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and work through all the dilators in the space of a month.
But often, this is a website trying to sell a product. It's a bit irresponsible. Pretty much all of the women I have spoken to (and there are LOTS of us, girls!!) have times where we are super keen and motivated, and times when we stick dilators in a drawer and bury our heads in the sand.
The un-motivated, avoidance times are hard. Whilst we are mostly just ignoring it, and pretending it isn't happening, there are pangs of horrible guilt, fear and distress that we'll be in that 4% of women that the websites claim can't be treated.
We read success stories about women with vaginismus who conquered it all in a month and are now mothers, happily skipping around with a brood of beautiful babies, struggling to remember a time when their vagina was uncooperative and they felt like a guilty sack of shit.
So we must remember to read vaginismus articles, websites and forums with a critical eye. Are we being sold dilators? Are we being sold a lie?
It just astounds me that the experiences of the women I speak to through this blog are basically ALL EXACTLY THE SAME. Yet, we are pretty under-represented on the internet. We're not a success story, but we're not quite in the 'total failure' box, so better keep that quiet, or people might stop buying dilators...
Anyway, I am pleased to say that my motivation is still sky high. I just have slightly painful lady-bits. So I'll give them a day off and get back on the it tomorrow.
For anyone out there struggling with motivation, you are not alone! I'll be your cheerleader!
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
I am not sure if I went a bit too hard with it yesterday, or if I am having some sort of reaction to the posh organic lubricant (I am not very posh, you see), but the skin around my vagina is a bit... sore. Not to give too much information, cos y'know, it's lunchtime, but it feels a bit irritated. I had a look- CHECK ME, LOOKING AT MY OWN GENITALS WITHOUT GAGGING- and it looks fine. But I thought it maybe best not to prod around with dilators today.
What is hilarious though, is that normally I am looking for any excuse not to use my dilators.
OLD ME: OH NO LOOK I HAVE MY PERIOD. OH WELL. **Puts dilators back in bag and does tiny dance round bedroom**
New Me, however, was actually a bit disappointed. And really toyed with the idea of just powering through anyway.
But luckily, Rational Me stepped in and reminded New Me that taking one day off was not a problem. Especially, if the reason is 'sore fanny'.
So, I am having a day off dilators. SIGH.
This has all got me thinking though about the peaks and dips of motivation when you have vaginismus. In all the books and websites that I have trawled through over the years, there is very little written about the hideous lack of motivation that takes over us all at some point during treatment. You often read about 'success stories'- women who suddenly wake up one day and decide ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and work through all the dilators in the space of a month.
But often, this is a website trying to sell a product. It's a bit irresponsible. Pretty much all of the women I have spoken to (and there are LOTS of us, girls!!) have times where we are super keen and motivated, and times when we stick dilators in a drawer and bury our heads in the sand.
The un-motivated, avoidance times are hard. Whilst we are mostly just ignoring it, and pretending it isn't happening, there are pangs of horrible guilt, fear and distress that we'll be in that 4% of women that the websites claim can't be treated.
We read success stories about women with vaginismus who conquered it all in a month and are now mothers, happily skipping around with a brood of beautiful babies, struggling to remember a time when their vagina was uncooperative and they felt like a guilty sack of shit.
So we must remember to read vaginismus articles, websites and forums with a critical eye. Are we being sold dilators? Are we being sold a lie?
It just astounds me that the experiences of the women I speak to through this blog are basically ALL EXACTLY THE SAME. Yet, we are pretty under-represented on the internet. We're not a success story, but we're not quite in the 'total failure' box, so better keep that quiet, or people might stop buying dilators...
Anyway, I am pleased to say that my motivation is still sky high. I just have slightly painful lady-bits. So I'll give them a day off and get back on the it tomorrow.
For anyone out there struggling with motivation, you are not alone! I'll be your cheerleader!
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Thursday, 24 November 2016
Day Two in the Dilator House
Look! It's me! I'm back! Blogging two days in a row, yes. But also, DILATING two days in a row.
WOOOHOOOOO!!!!
Admittedly, this morning, I got up feeling much less motivated than I did yesterday. I did yoga, made breakfast, looked mindlessly at facebook... I could feel it... AVOIDANCE. I reasoned with myself.
AVOIDANCE ME: Well, I did it yesterday, so I don't need to do it again today.
RATIONAL ME: The only way it'll get better is if you keep doing it
AVOIDANCE ME: Nah. Not feeling it. Oh look! A funny video about a cat and a penguin becoming friends!
RATIONAL ME: NO!!! The best friendship of all is between a woman scared of her own fanny, a white plastic willy shaped creation and a bottle of very expensive organic lube. Now go and DILATE.
AVOIDANCE ME: Jeeeez. Fine. But I'm only doing the smallest one again.
RATIONAL ME: Fair enough. No point rushing these things.
So the two sides of my brain managed to find a compromise. I just stuck to the smallest dilator again today. And it was all a bit familiar. Even though I was prepared for it this time, I still managed to squirt the very runny, expensive lube everywhere. I still needed a minute of poking around before I managed to locate my vagina. And then I slid little D0 in, with a tiny bit of effort. But once it was in, it was fine. I sat for a while, just feeling the sensation of it being inside. And then, when I felt like enough time had passed (and the organic lube was starting to harden into a crust on my arms, legs, face) I slid the dilator out, washed it and put it away.
All very uneventful. But I think that's what I need. The less dramatic the better. It means it's becoming normal again.
So, I appreciate that might make for some very boring blog posts.
ME EVERY DAY:
YEAH DILATED AGAIN, IT WAS OK. NEARLY COULDN'T FIND MY VAGINA BUT THEN I DID AND IT WAS FINE. THAT EXPENSIVE LUBE IS REALLY F*****G RUNNY, THOUGH.
So I'll try and think of some other vaginismus related things to blog about... But will obviously keep updating on my progress! I am aiming to move up a dilator size tomorrow!
**Now, at the end of my blog posts I usually put my email address and a little shout out to get in touch. While I LOVE hearing from other women with vaginismus, I would just like to say that I am NO SUBSTITUTE for an actual medical professional. I can only provide my own experience, and lots of cheering and support. If you have real medical vagina related concerns, please go and see your doctor! I would hate to give some terrible advice and make the terrible vaginismus beast even worse... **
xx
WOOOHOOOOO!!!!
Admittedly, this morning, I got up feeling much less motivated than I did yesterday. I did yoga, made breakfast, looked mindlessly at facebook... I could feel it... AVOIDANCE. I reasoned with myself.
AVOIDANCE ME: Well, I did it yesterday, so I don't need to do it again today.
RATIONAL ME: The only way it'll get better is if you keep doing it
AVOIDANCE ME: Nah. Not feeling it. Oh look! A funny video about a cat and a penguin becoming friends!
RATIONAL ME: NO!!! The best friendship of all is between a woman scared of her own fanny, a white plastic willy shaped creation and a bottle of very expensive organic lube. Now go and DILATE.
AVOIDANCE ME: Jeeeez. Fine. But I'm only doing the smallest one again.
RATIONAL ME: Fair enough. No point rushing these things.
So the two sides of my brain managed to find a compromise. I just stuck to the smallest dilator again today. And it was all a bit familiar. Even though I was prepared for it this time, I still managed to squirt the very runny, expensive lube everywhere. I still needed a minute of poking around before I managed to locate my vagina. And then I slid little D0 in, with a tiny bit of effort. But once it was in, it was fine. I sat for a while, just feeling the sensation of it being inside. And then, when I felt like enough time had passed (and the organic lube was starting to harden into a crust on my arms, legs, face) I slid the dilator out, washed it and put it away.
All very uneventful. But I think that's what I need. The less dramatic the better. It means it's becoming normal again.
So, I appreciate that might make for some very boring blog posts.
ME EVERY DAY:
YEAH DILATED AGAIN, IT WAS OK. NEARLY COULDN'T FIND MY VAGINA BUT THEN I DID AND IT WAS FINE. THAT EXPENSIVE LUBE IS REALLY F*****G RUNNY, THOUGH.
So I'll try and think of some other vaginismus related things to blog about... But will obviously keep updating on my progress! I am aiming to move up a dilator size tomorrow!
**Now, at the end of my blog posts I usually put my email address and a little shout out to get in touch. While I LOVE hearing from other women with vaginismus, I would just like to say that I am NO SUBSTITUTE for an actual medical professional. I can only provide my own experience, and lots of cheering and support. If you have real medical vagina related concerns, please go and see your doctor! I would hate to give some terrible advice and make the terrible vaginismus beast even worse... **
xx
Wednesday, 23 November 2016
Hello Old Friends
So this morning, I got up, did some yoga, then got my dilators out. As I said, I haven't used them in quite some time so I was a bit nervous about how it would all go.
I took them out of their bag, and there they were, all cuddled up together in their little stack. Such a familiar sight, even thought it's been so long. As I took them out the bag, I said 'Hello Old Friends!'. As you may have gathered from this blog, I have quite an odd sense of humour and find myself HILARIOUS when I talk to dilators.
But today the hilarity was quickly replaced by an overwhelming sadness. As I stood, looking at the stacked up pile of white, plastic willies, I was hit by the injustice and self-pity that goes hand in hand with vaginismus. WHY am I still here? (I don't mean on earth. I mean, still here in the vaginismus struggle). Why do I still need dilators? Why have I not already sorted this out? These questions, as I'm sure you'll know, can be pretty all-consuming and I was on the verge of putting the dilators back in the bag, turning on daytime TV and going into full-blown avoidance mode.
But I stopped myself.
Because nobody can make this go away except for me. If I put the dilators in the bag and plan to do it tomorrow, it ill never go away. Ever. Because tomorrow will never come. Or it will, but it will come with a sack of excuses and denial.
So, channeling Queen Tay-Tay- a role model for women everywhere, I shook it off.
And, ladies and gents, I USED MY DILATORS.
Well, specifically, I used the smallest dilator. But, you have to start somewhere. And I've learned in the past, the dangers of pushing ahead when you're not ready. It's sore, there can be blood, there will definitely be self-loathing.
I had bought myself some lovely, posh organic lubricant to use today. When I opened it, nothing came out the bottle. I shook it and squeezed it and eventually it made it's dramatic entrance. It squirted EVERYWHERE. Actually, everywhere. Well, everywhere but the dilator. It was running down my arms, all over the sofa, even in MY HAIR. But, it made me laugh. And, then I knew it would be OK.
Me and my old friends- Dilators and Lube- just hanging out, having a laugh and getting the job done.
And it was fine. It took me a minute to remember where exactly my elusive vaginal opening was (CLASSIC vaginismus) but once I found it, the dilator slid in with minimal pain and stayed there for a few minutes. I practiced inserting it and taking it out a couple of times, and it was OK. I considered moving on to the next one but decided to leave it till tomorrow. No point rushing it and spoiling a positive moment.
So hooray! My vagina still works!
I am still in control.
Wanna chat? OH YEAH!!!
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
I took them out of their bag, and there they were, all cuddled up together in their little stack. Such a familiar sight, even thought it's been so long. As I took them out the bag, I said 'Hello Old Friends!'. As you may have gathered from this blog, I have quite an odd sense of humour and find myself HILARIOUS when I talk to dilators.
But today the hilarity was quickly replaced by an overwhelming sadness. As I stood, looking at the stacked up pile of white, plastic willies, I was hit by the injustice and self-pity that goes hand in hand with vaginismus. WHY am I still here? (I don't mean on earth. I mean, still here in the vaginismus struggle). Why do I still need dilators? Why have I not already sorted this out? These questions, as I'm sure you'll know, can be pretty all-consuming and I was on the verge of putting the dilators back in the bag, turning on daytime TV and going into full-blown avoidance mode.
But I stopped myself.
Because nobody can make this go away except for me. If I put the dilators in the bag and plan to do it tomorrow, it ill never go away. Ever. Because tomorrow will never come. Or it will, but it will come with a sack of excuses and denial.
So, channeling Queen Tay-Tay- a role model for women everywhere, I shook it off.
And, ladies and gents, I USED MY DILATORS.
Well, specifically, I used the smallest dilator. But, you have to start somewhere. And I've learned in the past, the dangers of pushing ahead when you're not ready. It's sore, there can be blood, there will definitely be self-loathing.
I had bought myself some lovely, posh organic lubricant to use today. When I opened it, nothing came out the bottle. I shook it and squeezed it and eventually it made it's dramatic entrance. It squirted EVERYWHERE. Actually, everywhere. Well, everywhere but the dilator. It was running down my arms, all over the sofa, even in MY HAIR. But, it made me laugh. And, then I knew it would be OK.
Me and my old friends- Dilators and Lube- just hanging out, having a laugh and getting the job done.
And it was fine. It took me a minute to remember where exactly my elusive vaginal opening was (CLASSIC vaginismus) but once I found it, the dilator slid in with minimal pain and stayed there for a few minutes. I practiced inserting it and taking it out a couple of times, and it was OK. I considered moving on to the next one but decided to leave it till tomorrow. No point rushing it and spoiling a positive moment.
So hooray! My vagina still works!
I am still in control.
Wanna chat? OH YEAH!!!
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Monday, 21 November 2016
Vaginismus Holiday
Hello lovely vaginismus friends!
I am temporarily living somewhere else... My husband is working away for two months, and in an unusual move, I have decided to join him. We have a little flat in a brand new city, and, while he is at work, I am planning to use my time super productively.
I have plans to write more. Make a website for my business. Catch up on admin that I've been avoiding. Do more yoga. That kinda thing.
But most of all, ladies, I am going to dilate dilate dilate! I am always moaning on here about not having time to dilate, not having headspace to think about vaginismus, not having a minute to write new blog posts.
Well, suddenly, I am gifted with QUITE A LOT OF FREE TIME. It's my vaginismus holiday.
So, it would be silly not to use it, right?
So expect many more updates here- hopefully filled with motivation and progress! I haven't used my dilators in a little while, so I am expecting the first attempts to be a bit difficult, but hoping that the new location, headspace and sense of calm that I have being away from the 'office' might be exactly what is needed to take some steps forward.
First, I need to get back to where I was (D3, second from biggest, going in with minimal pain). I am pretty sure there's no chance that thing is going in there to begin with. But I'll persevere. And then I need to move on. D4 and beyond. Imagine!
So, speak to you all soon and regularly I hope!
As always, email if you want a chat! I'm pleased to say quite a number of women have been in touch asking for vaginismus contacts in their area. So if you've been holding back, dont be shy! There might be a new, supportive friend waiting for you in the wings!
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
I am temporarily living somewhere else... My husband is working away for two months, and in an unusual move, I have decided to join him. We have a little flat in a brand new city, and, while he is at work, I am planning to use my time super productively.
I have plans to write more. Make a website for my business. Catch up on admin that I've been avoiding. Do more yoga. That kinda thing.
But most of all, ladies, I am going to dilate dilate dilate! I am always moaning on here about not having time to dilate, not having headspace to think about vaginismus, not having a minute to write new blog posts.
Well, suddenly, I am gifted with QUITE A LOT OF FREE TIME. It's my vaginismus holiday.
So, it would be silly not to use it, right?
So expect many more updates here- hopefully filled with motivation and progress! I haven't used my dilators in a little while, so I am expecting the first attempts to be a bit difficult, but hoping that the new location, headspace and sense of calm that I have being away from the 'office' might be exactly what is needed to take some steps forward.
First, I need to get back to where I was (D3, second from biggest, going in with minimal pain). I am pretty sure there's no chance that thing is going in there to begin with. But I'll persevere. And then I need to move on. D4 and beyond. Imagine!
So, speak to you all soon and regularly I hope!
As always, email if you want a chat! I'm pleased to say quite a number of women have been in touch asking for vaginismus contacts in their area. So if you've been holding back, dont be shy! There might be a new, supportive friend waiting for you in the wings!
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Monday, 17 October 2016
WE NEED TO TALK
So, it turns out I was right. Meeting someone with vaginismus is pretty great.
As I mentioned in my last post, I finally managed to meet up with a fellow vaginismus lady last week, and actually talk about all of this face to face with someone who GETS IT.
And, as expected, it was great.
We chatted about everything- how we found out we had it, awful experiences with doctors, smear fear, tampons, dilators, sex, ALL OF IT. And we laughed about a lot of it too. And we had those moments of 'This is going to sound really crazy...' and finding out that it didn't sound crazy at all to someone else with vaginismus.
What we did agree on, is that there is just not enough information out there about this. Now, clearly, this is not breaking news. We all know this. But to share experiences of trying to be diagnosed, and dealing with insensitive and downright ridiculous suggestions made by doctors and sexual health professionals about how to deal with our problems, made it pretty clear that vaginismus diagnosis and treatment is just not good enough.
Why should two grown adults have to meet in secret in a cafe and lower their voices every time the waiter walks past for fear and shame of being overhead? Why should it take a year of anonymous blogging to find another woman with the same health condition, and sit and have a discussion about it?
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!
I don't have an answer, unfortunately, but leave it with me. Once I set my mind on something, I usually do it - except for inserting the biggest dilator of course LOLZ
But in the meantime, I can't recommend enough tracking down a fellow vaginismus lady and having a coffee with her. If you have no idea how to go about finding your vaginismus friend, send me an email and tell me where you live. If two people from the same place get in touch, I'll hook you up! I'm in the UK, if you want to have coffee with me...
Really though, you should.
Having vaginismus involves a lot of sitting around and feeling like the only person on a very sad planet. But sitting face to face and chatting about it with someone in the same position normalises it in a way that I never thought possible.
Get in touch! heyvaginismus@gmail.com
As I mentioned in my last post, I finally managed to meet up with a fellow vaginismus lady last week, and actually talk about all of this face to face with someone who GETS IT.
And, as expected, it was great.
We chatted about everything- how we found out we had it, awful experiences with doctors, smear fear, tampons, dilators, sex, ALL OF IT. And we laughed about a lot of it too. And we had those moments of 'This is going to sound really crazy...' and finding out that it didn't sound crazy at all to someone else with vaginismus.
What we did agree on, is that there is just not enough information out there about this. Now, clearly, this is not breaking news. We all know this. But to share experiences of trying to be diagnosed, and dealing with insensitive and downright ridiculous suggestions made by doctors and sexual health professionals about how to deal with our problems, made it pretty clear that vaginismus diagnosis and treatment is just not good enough.
Why should two grown adults have to meet in secret in a cafe and lower their voices every time the waiter walks past for fear and shame of being overhead? Why should it take a year of anonymous blogging to find another woman with the same health condition, and sit and have a discussion about it?
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!
I don't have an answer, unfortunately, but leave it with me. Once I set my mind on something, I usually do it - except for inserting the biggest dilator of course LOLZ
But in the meantime, I can't recommend enough tracking down a fellow vaginismus lady and having a coffee with her. If you have no idea how to go about finding your vaginismus friend, send me an email and tell me where you live. If two people from the same place get in touch, I'll hook you up! I'm in the UK, if you want to have coffee with me...
Really though, you should.
Having vaginismus involves a lot of sitting around and feeling like the only person on a very sad planet. But sitting face to face and chatting about it with someone in the same position normalises it in a way that I never thought possible.
Get in touch! heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Wednesday, 12 October 2016
Happy Birthday To Vag!
Hello vagina friends!
It's time to get a little sentimental, because Hey Vaginismus! is celebrating it's first birthday. (OK it was technically last week- what can I say, I'm a terrible blog-mother).
One year ago (OK... one year, and one week ago), I had my breakthrough. I had my ENOUGH IS ENOUGH moment! I decided it was time to tackle vaginismus once and for all, and decided to set up a blog to encourage myself to keep the treatment up, and, ideally, to connect with other women who also have the condition. The main dream was to find another woman with vaginismus and meet her face to face.
Setting up Hey Vaginismus! was one of the best things I have ever done.
I have connected with a huge amount of women over email, twitter and via the blog, who all know exactly how I feel. We have supported one another to keep going, try new dilator tactics, talk more openly with our friends and family, keep up therapy appointments and to believe that there might be an end to this.
As it happens, there hasn't been an end for me yet. But, over this past year, I have come so close. I am not looking on that as a failure. I have had some moments of vagina brilliance, and although it hasn't ended in full-on penetration, it has given me a the belief that one day it will be possible.
I had an unexpectedly busy year- my little freelance business has gone off the scale crazy and unfortunately that has meant that my brain has had little time for vaginismus. As we all know, it's the first thing to be shut out when things get hectic. You can't avoid work, family commitments, your partner, your friends, your hobbies... But you can easily avoid the hell out of vaginismus. And I suppose that is what I have been doing. Every now and again, it floats back on to my radar and I think about getting my dilators out, but then I have to go somewhere, or do something, or reply to 50 emails. And just like that, it's gone again.
Now don't worry. This isn't one of these THIS IS THE TURNING POINT, I AM GOING TO STOP AVOIDING IT!!!
Because we all know, that probably isn't going to happen overnight.
But this is perhaps the time to at least consider it. Or consider the fact that it is still in my life. Do I want to be sitting in exactly the same position when Hey Vaginismus! turns two? Absolutely not. But it won't go away by itself. So I am going to have to do something... right?
But let's keep this post upbeat! Happy Birthday, Hey Vaginismus! A little blog that started out of a mixture of curiosity and boredom one afternoon, that has led to so many wonderful conversations with amazing women, trying to make sense of a really complex condition.
We are all amazing, ladies! And one day, our vaginas will comply, and sex will be amazing too! (And going swimming on your period. WOW!)
So, how am I celebrating the first birthday of the blog? Well, tomorrow, I am sitting down FACE TO FACE with another woman who has vaginismus. Seriously. In a spectacular case of right place, right time, a blog reader and I have found ourselves briefly in the same city, with a few free hours to talk vag. This was the original aim of the blog, as you'll know. It may have taken a year but I am so excited that it's finally happening!
Thanks for spending this past year-and-one-week with me... I look forward to chatting more as the vaginismus journey goes on... xx
email: heyvaginismus@gmail.com
It's time to get a little sentimental, because Hey Vaginismus! is celebrating it's first birthday. (OK it was technically last week- what can I say, I'm a terrible blog-mother).
One year ago (OK... one year, and one week ago), I had my breakthrough. I had my ENOUGH IS ENOUGH moment! I decided it was time to tackle vaginismus once and for all, and decided to set up a blog to encourage myself to keep the treatment up, and, ideally, to connect with other women who also have the condition. The main dream was to find another woman with vaginismus and meet her face to face.
Setting up Hey Vaginismus! was one of the best things I have ever done.
I have connected with a huge amount of women over email, twitter and via the blog, who all know exactly how I feel. We have supported one another to keep going, try new dilator tactics, talk more openly with our friends and family, keep up therapy appointments and to believe that there might be an end to this.
As it happens, there hasn't been an end for me yet. But, over this past year, I have come so close. I am not looking on that as a failure. I have had some moments of vagina brilliance, and although it hasn't ended in full-on penetration, it has given me a the belief that one day it will be possible.
I had an unexpectedly busy year- my little freelance business has gone off the scale crazy and unfortunately that has meant that my brain has had little time for vaginismus. As we all know, it's the first thing to be shut out when things get hectic. You can't avoid work, family commitments, your partner, your friends, your hobbies... But you can easily avoid the hell out of vaginismus. And I suppose that is what I have been doing. Every now and again, it floats back on to my radar and I think about getting my dilators out, but then I have to go somewhere, or do something, or reply to 50 emails. And just like that, it's gone again.
Now don't worry. This isn't one of these THIS IS THE TURNING POINT, I AM GOING TO STOP AVOIDING IT!!!
Because we all know, that probably isn't going to happen overnight.
But this is perhaps the time to at least consider it. Or consider the fact that it is still in my life. Do I want to be sitting in exactly the same position when Hey Vaginismus! turns two? Absolutely not. But it won't go away by itself. So I am going to have to do something... right?
But let's keep this post upbeat! Happy Birthday, Hey Vaginismus! A little blog that started out of a mixture of curiosity and boredom one afternoon, that has led to so many wonderful conversations with amazing women, trying to make sense of a really complex condition.
We are all amazing, ladies! And one day, our vaginas will comply, and sex will be amazing too! (And going swimming on your period. WOW!)
So, how am I celebrating the first birthday of the blog? Well, tomorrow, I am sitting down FACE TO FACE with another woman who has vaginismus. Seriously. In a spectacular case of right place, right time, a blog reader and I have found ourselves briefly in the same city, with a few free hours to talk vag. This was the original aim of the blog, as you'll know. It may have taken a year but I am so excited that it's finally happening!
Thanks for spending this past year-and-one-week with me... I look forward to chatting more as the vaginismus journey goes on... xx
email: heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Friday, 26 August 2016
Becoming a Nun
Hello friends! As always, apologies for the silence... still alive and still super busy. Been forgetting to blog/ being too lazy to blog but I couldn't resisting sharing this nugget of wisdom that was gifted to me by a blog reader...
I received the following comment on my blog this week:
Primary Vaginismus.
If you have it, then your body is NOT designed for sex.
It is God's way of telling a woman that she is DESTINED to become a nun or celibate.
So if you have it, go on and BECOME A NUN.
Or be CELIBATE.
That's because it is God's way of controlling the global population. God created women with such sexual dysfunction to keep them away from sex and thus preventing conception. Unfortunately, most women don't realize it and would still go through days and weeks of therapy which is just time consuming.
Trying to remedy your condition is against God's will.
God does NOT want you to have sex.
If your a woman, don't get married & don't have sex if your VAGINA wont let you.
God had CLOSED the gates of your virginity.
FACE IT! You have a NUN'S VAGINA.
It is time to give up on men and become a NUN.
VAGINISMUS may be the answer to overpopulation.
God truly works in strange ways.
I am now an enlightened man.
I received the following comment on my blog this week:
Primary Vaginismus.
If you have it, then your body is NOT designed for sex.
It is God's way of telling a woman that she is DESTINED to become a nun or celibate.
So if you have it, go on and BECOME A NUN.
Or be CELIBATE.
That's because it is God's way of controlling the global population. God created women with such sexual dysfunction to keep them away from sex and thus preventing conception. Unfortunately, most women don't realize it and would still go through days and weeks of therapy which is just time consuming.
Trying to remedy your condition is against God's will.
God does NOT want you to have sex.
If your a woman, don't get married & don't have sex if your VAGINA wont let you.
God had CLOSED the gates of your virginity.
FACE IT! You have a NUN'S VAGINA.
It is time to give up on men and become a NUN.
VAGINISMUS may be the answer to overpopulation.
God truly works in strange ways.
I am now an enlightened man.
So there you go. The answer to all of my problems. All of our problems.
Burst open the champagne, girls! This MAN has basically given us a solution to the problems that we face on a day to day basis. Let's just give up right now and BECOME NUNS.
Can't believe I have never thought of this before.
As an avid reader of many vaginismus blogs, I actually recognised the name of the commenter, and actually recognised the advice. This 'enlightened man' seems to spend his free time visiting vaginismus sites and posting the above nonsense at every opportunity.
Clearly he is our lord and saviour.
THANKS WEIRD VAGINISMUS INTERNET TROLL FOR YOUR ONGOING SUPPORT/ SLIGHTLY CREEPY OBSESSION WITH VAGINISMUS...
Now please fuck off.
x
Tuesday, 19 July 2016
What's New, Pussycat?
WELL HELLO!!!
It's been about a million years since I last wrote a blog post. For anyone who was looking for me, I'm sorry! I have been super busy but hello! I'm back! And still rocking a very nervous vagina. Hoorah.
So, what's new?
Well, in the world of my vaginismus, not much really. It's still there. Scotland is currently undergoing a heatwave (I am basically an endless, sweaty disaster), but vaginismus still hangs over my head like a big, annoying rain cloud. I would love to update you and tell you something major has happened. But sadly that is not how this particular condition operates.
In slightly interesting news, I have decided to come off my contraceptive pill. I have obviously not actually been on this for contraceptive reasons (no actual sex= no reason for contraception right?). But I have been on it for years to try and control my nasty, heavy periods. However, I've had a few chats with friends recently who felt that the pill was killing their sex drive. I have a very low sex drive at the best of times. I always put this down to vaginismus, and a mild fear of sex, but recently I've been wondering if that little pill was suppressing all the good and interesting things about being a woman. And maybe, without it, I'd be in a better place to tackle my issues with sex.
I'll keep you in the loop with how that goes... Fingers crossed for some kind of miraculous breakthrough.
Otherwise, things are the same. Because there is no quick fix with vaginismus.
I have been so busy with work lately that I have just pushed it to the back of my head. If I don't think about it, it isn't there. Right?
SO, SO WRONG
But I am back on my blog. That must be a start. Vaginismus is back on my radar- and I have a new sense of determination to destroy it, and what it does to me.
I have had this determination before.
Here's hoping this time it's for real
SAY HI! heyvaginismus@gmail.com
It's been about a million years since I last wrote a blog post. For anyone who was looking for me, I'm sorry! I have been super busy but hello! I'm back! And still rocking a very nervous vagina. Hoorah.
So, what's new?
Well, in the world of my vaginismus, not much really. It's still there. Scotland is currently undergoing a heatwave (I am basically an endless, sweaty disaster), but vaginismus still hangs over my head like a big, annoying rain cloud. I would love to update you and tell you something major has happened. But sadly that is not how this particular condition operates.
In slightly interesting news, I have decided to come off my contraceptive pill. I have obviously not actually been on this for contraceptive reasons (no actual sex= no reason for contraception right?). But I have been on it for years to try and control my nasty, heavy periods. However, I've had a few chats with friends recently who felt that the pill was killing their sex drive. I have a very low sex drive at the best of times. I always put this down to vaginismus, and a mild fear of sex, but recently I've been wondering if that little pill was suppressing all the good and interesting things about being a woman. And maybe, without it, I'd be in a better place to tackle my issues with sex.
I'll keep you in the loop with how that goes... Fingers crossed for some kind of miraculous breakthrough.
Otherwise, things are the same. Because there is no quick fix with vaginismus.
I have been so busy with work lately that I have just pushed it to the back of my head. If I don't think about it, it isn't there. Right?
SO, SO WRONG
But I am back on my blog. That must be a start. Vaginismus is back on my radar- and I have a new sense of determination to destroy it, and what it does to me.
I have had this determination before.
Here's hoping this time it's for real
SAY HI! heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Tuesday, 5 April 2016
The Island of Vaginismus
GUESS WHAT? I just used my dilators. AGAIN. This wee 15 minutes a day thing might actually be realistic.
The nice thing about Hey Vaginismus! is that I know that people are actually reading about what I am doing. You might even be checking up on me... This is a pretty big motivator not to slip up. I hate being proven wrong!
So, I am pleased to report another successful dilator-fest. Only went up to D2 again today... it felt more comfortable than yesterday, so might move on up tomorrow. But there's no rush.
Oh look at me and my new, chilled out perspective on dilators!
So I won't bore you with the ins and outs of what I did tonight. It's not that different from last night.
Instead, I am going to babble on about some of the lovely people I have 'met' through this blog. **Cue emotional music**
When I first started Hey Vaginismus!, I didn't really know whether anyone would actually read it. I was going to chart my journey through vaginismus treatment, but my biggest hope was to find a fellow sufferer who lives nearby, who I could meet face to face for coffee and swapping of dilator stories.
While I have yet to find my Real-Life Vaginismus friend, I am pretty much blown away by the number of internet vaginismus friends that I have made. I hear from at least one new woman every week who has the condition. My vaginismus friends live all over the world, are different ages, some are single, some are in relationships... we're all different, but in so many ways we are all exactly the same. I have lost count of the number of women who have said that whilst reading Hey Vaginismus! they have felt that it could have been written by them. This is nothing to do with my skills as a writer. It's because vaginismus does the same things to all of our brains- it makes us sad, scared, angry, irritable, ashamed, irrational, embarrassed... At other times, it makes us feel triumphant, excited, hopeful, loved...
But more often than not it makes us feel alone.
Until, we connect with one another.
Our little vaginismus island, where we sit alone most of the time worrying about drowning in hopelessness, suddenly feels a bit safer. It's time to turn these islands into a big Vaginismus City.
I know some of my vaginismus friends by name. Some of them, like me on this blog, are anonymous.
But they're all there for me. And I'm there for them.
It's an amazing network of women who KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M ON ABOUT.
So, if you're a reader of the blog, and have yet to get in touch and say hello, PLEASE DO! There's so many of us out there, and just sharing experiences with a fellow sufferer can feel like a huge weight being lifted.
Wish you were here! x
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
The nice thing about Hey Vaginismus! is that I know that people are actually reading about what I am doing. You might even be checking up on me... This is a pretty big motivator not to slip up. I hate being proven wrong!
So, I am pleased to report another successful dilator-fest. Only went up to D2 again today... it felt more comfortable than yesterday, so might move on up tomorrow. But there's no rush.
Oh look at me and my new, chilled out perspective on dilators!
So I won't bore you with the ins and outs of what I did tonight. It's not that different from last night.
Instead, I am going to babble on about some of the lovely people I have 'met' through this blog. **Cue emotional music**
When I first started Hey Vaginismus!, I didn't really know whether anyone would actually read it. I was going to chart my journey through vaginismus treatment, but my biggest hope was to find a fellow sufferer who lives nearby, who I could meet face to face for coffee and swapping of dilator stories.
While I have yet to find my Real-Life Vaginismus friend, I am pretty much blown away by the number of internet vaginismus friends that I have made. I hear from at least one new woman every week who has the condition. My vaginismus friends live all over the world, are different ages, some are single, some are in relationships... we're all different, but in so many ways we are all exactly the same. I have lost count of the number of women who have said that whilst reading Hey Vaginismus! they have felt that it could have been written by them. This is nothing to do with my skills as a writer. It's because vaginismus does the same things to all of our brains- it makes us sad, scared, angry, irritable, ashamed, irrational, embarrassed... At other times, it makes us feel triumphant, excited, hopeful, loved...
But more often than not it makes us feel alone.
Until, we connect with one another.
Our little vaginismus island, where we sit alone most of the time worrying about drowning in hopelessness, suddenly feels a bit safer. It's time to turn these islands into a big Vaginismus City.
I know some of my vaginismus friends by name. Some of them, like me on this blog, are anonymous.
But they're all there for me. And I'm there for them.
It's an amazing network of women who KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M ON ABOUT.
So, if you're a reader of the blog, and have yet to get in touch and say hello, PLEASE DO! There's so many of us out there, and just sharing experiences with a fellow sufferer can feel like a huge weight being lifted.
Wish you were here! x
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Monday, 4 April 2016
15 Minutes
GET THE NEWSPAPERS ON THE PHONE! I JUST USED MY DILATORS!
That's right. After a hefty rut of avoidance and, let's face it, laziness, I have dusted off the dilators and stuck them back in my vagina, where they belong. It seemed a shame to let them gather dust on my new sex shelf.
I have probably used my dilators once every couple of weeks since the new year. This, my friends, is NOT conducive to overcoming vaginismus. Practice makes perfect, and half-heartedly using a dilator, whilst watching TV and feeling sorry for yourself, makes for a frigging disaster.
It's time for some effort and motivation. I am going to try and use my dilators EVERY SINGLE DAY this week. No excuses. No laziness. I'm going to set aside 15 minutes every day in the name of vaginismus.
Today, it was very easy to find the time, because I had a day off work. Plenty spare time. The husband went away out to play football, so I have the house to myself. Ideal.
Tomorrow, it will be a bit trickier. I am working all day, and have plans after work. But all I need is 15 minutes. I will find that time. Because it's important.
When you really don't want to do something, it's easy to convince yourself that it doesn't matter. You don't really care, and it doesn't matter if you never get better. Life is still good, right? I think I am a master of deception, but the only person I am fooling is myself.
Time to get real.
This is NOT going to define my life. But I will allow it to define me over the next few weeks/ months, while I sort it out.
So, tonight, Episode One of 'GETTING BACK TO DILATORS AFTER A BIT OF A BREAK' was quite good. First of all, I used my vibrator. This is an excellent way to get ready for some serious dilating. I actually inserted D0 whilst using the vibrator, which was good. It didn't hurt or feel weird. So far, so good.
After I was done with the vibrator (I'll spare you the details), I was feeling pretty confident, so I skipped D1 and went straight to D2. This was a bit painful and took a while to go in. But, I stuck at it and eventually it slid in. I took it out, and put it back in again, just to make sure. And, sure enough, it went in again. Just like old times.
I didn't even attempt D3 tonight. D2 felt like enough. This is something else I am trying to get better at. Pacing myself. Not judging if I can't get dilators in. Not worrying about it. It's been in there before, it'll go in again.
So, overall, a productive evening of dilating. And when I say evening, I mean 15 minutes. I can waste 15 minutes so easily- gawping at Twitter, texting friends, watching rubbish TV...
15 MINUTES
It's nothing.
Yet, at the same time, it's everything.
Want some more motivational chat?! Or just a rant about your vagina? Email me heyvaginismus@gmail.com
That's right. After a hefty rut of avoidance and, let's face it, laziness, I have dusted off the dilators and stuck them back in my vagina, where they belong. It seemed a shame to let them gather dust on my new sex shelf.
I have probably used my dilators once every couple of weeks since the new year. This, my friends, is NOT conducive to overcoming vaginismus. Practice makes perfect, and half-heartedly using a dilator, whilst watching TV and feeling sorry for yourself, makes for a frigging disaster.
It's time for some effort and motivation. I am going to try and use my dilators EVERY SINGLE DAY this week. No excuses. No laziness. I'm going to set aside 15 minutes every day in the name of vaginismus.
Today, it was very easy to find the time, because I had a day off work. Plenty spare time. The husband went away out to play football, so I have the house to myself. Ideal.
Tomorrow, it will be a bit trickier. I am working all day, and have plans after work. But all I need is 15 minutes. I will find that time. Because it's important.
When you really don't want to do something, it's easy to convince yourself that it doesn't matter. You don't really care, and it doesn't matter if you never get better. Life is still good, right? I think I am a master of deception, but the only person I am fooling is myself.
Time to get real.
This is NOT going to define my life. But I will allow it to define me over the next few weeks/ months, while I sort it out.
So, tonight, Episode One of 'GETTING BACK TO DILATORS AFTER A BIT OF A BREAK' was quite good. First of all, I used my vibrator. This is an excellent way to get ready for some serious dilating. I actually inserted D0 whilst using the vibrator, which was good. It didn't hurt or feel weird. So far, so good.
After I was done with the vibrator (I'll spare you the details), I was feeling pretty confident, so I skipped D1 and went straight to D2. This was a bit painful and took a while to go in. But, I stuck at it and eventually it slid in. I took it out, and put it back in again, just to make sure. And, sure enough, it went in again. Just like old times.
I didn't even attempt D3 tonight. D2 felt like enough. This is something else I am trying to get better at. Pacing myself. Not judging if I can't get dilators in. Not worrying about it. It's been in there before, it'll go in again.
So, overall, a productive evening of dilating. And when I say evening, I mean 15 minutes. I can waste 15 minutes so easily- gawping at Twitter, texting friends, watching rubbish TV...
15 MINUTES
It's nothing.
Yet, at the same time, it's everything.
Want some more motivational chat?! Or just a rant about your vagina? Email me heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Monday, 28 March 2016
Spring Cleaning
ARGH! I am currently wearing a big sparkly vulva shaped crown, which has been awarded to the most rubbish blogger ever.
Apologies for the silence. And thank you for the emails!
Hello. I am back!
So, it's currently everyone's favourite thing in the world- a 'long weekend'. Usually, for me this involves lying around in a pair of yoga pants, drinking wine and watching endless episodes of Friends. But this weekend, as a special Easter treat, the husband and I decided to spring clean.
After what felt like a lifetime of renting, we bought our first home together two years ago. And over those two years we have painted, decorated, carpeted, accessorised and shown lots of love to our little flat. We have also accumulated a LOT of stuff. And when I say stuff, I really mean random, pointless crap that has no use to anyone ever yet we can't bear to throw it away. I am sure you know what I mean.
Anyway, this weekend, we tackled this issue head on. We ruthlessly chucked away clothes, bags, a ridiculous amount of empty shoe boxes, piles of paperwork from jobs that we don't even do anymore, and (with great sadness) said goodbye to the garden gnome who resided in our toilet.
Everything has been streamlined, tidied, scrubbed and beautified. Our flat is looking GREAT.
As I was de-cluttering my life, I obviously came across all my 'vaginismus stuff', which is generally hidden away at the back of my underwear drawer. Why is it hidden? Who am I hiding it from? My husband? I think he MIGHT be aware of the situation...
My dilators live inside the little drawstring bag that came with the kit. The bag of dilators lives inside a padded envelope. The padded envelope lives inside a plastic bag.
It's like a giant game of psychosexual pass the parcel. With the prize at the end being my biggest secret.
It struck me, suddenly, that hiding dilators inside a drawstring bag, inside an envelope, inside a plastic bag at the back of my underwear drawer might be a little bit melodramatic. Apart from the fact that nobody ever goes into my bedroom except for the husband and I, the whole practice of hiding them oozes shame and embarrassment over vaginismus. And that is something I am pleased to say I don't really have any more.
So as part of the Spring Clean, I have liberated my dilators. They are still living in the drawstring bag but the padded envelope and plastic bag have been binned. The dilators take pride of place on a little shelf next to my bed, alongside all my other vaginismus busting items- lots of lube, a hand mirror, tissues, a vibrator...
I was going to call it my vaginismus shelf.
But actually, let's call it my 'sex shelf'. That's right. The woman with the worlds most nervous vagina has a SEX SHELF in her bedroom. Because, all of the things on the vaginismus shelf can actually be used during sex.
OK, maybe not the hand mirror...
Actually, hey why not the hand mirror? Whatever does it for you!
Having all of the sex stuff and vaginismus stuff living harmoniously on a shelf in my bedroom feels like a big step towards acceptance. And shagging.
Spring has sprung! And hopefully, so has a new, more sex-confident me!
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Apologies for the silence. And thank you for the emails!
Hello. I am back!
So, it's currently everyone's favourite thing in the world- a 'long weekend'. Usually, for me this involves lying around in a pair of yoga pants, drinking wine and watching endless episodes of Friends. But this weekend, as a special Easter treat, the husband and I decided to spring clean.
After what felt like a lifetime of renting, we bought our first home together two years ago. And over those two years we have painted, decorated, carpeted, accessorised and shown lots of love to our little flat. We have also accumulated a LOT of stuff. And when I say stuff, I really mean random, pointless crap that has no use to anyone ever yet we can't bear to throw it away. I am sure you know what I mean.
Anyway, this weekend, we tackled this issue head on. We ruthlessly chucked away clothes, bags, a ridiculous amount of empty shoe boxes, piles of paperwork from jobs that we don't even do anymore, and (with great sadness) said goodbye to the garden gnome who resided in our toilet.
Everything has been streamlined, tidied, scrubbed and beautified. Our flat is looking GREAT.
As I was de-cluttering my life, I obviously came across all my 'vaginismus stuff', which is generally hidden away at the back of my underwear drawer. Why is it hidden? Who am I hiding it from? My husband? I think he MIGHT be aware of the situation...
My dilators live inside the little drawstring bag that came with the kit. The bag of dilators lives inside a padded envelope. The padded envelope lives inside a plastic bag.
It's like a giant game of psychosexual pass the parcel. With the prize at the end being my biggest secret.
It struck me, suddenly, that hiding dilators inside a drawstring bag, inside an envelope, inside a plastic bag at the back of my underwear drawer might be a little bit melodramatic. Apart from the fact that nobody ever goes into my bedroom except for the husband and I, the whole practice of hiding them oozes shame and embarrassment over vaginismus. And that is something I am pleased to say I don't really have any more.
So as part of the Spring Clean, I have liberated my dilators. They are still living in the drawstring bag but the padded envelope and plastic bag have been binned. The dilators take pride of place on a little shelf next to my bed, alongside all my other vaginismus busting items- lots of lube, a hand mirror, tissues, a vibrator...
I was going to call it my vaginismus shelf.
But actually, let's call it my 'sex shelf'. That's right. The woman with the worlds most nervous vagina has a SEX SHELF in her bedroom. Because, all of the things on the vaginismus shelf can actually be used during sex.
OK, maybe not the hand mirror...
Actually, hey why not the hand mirror? Whatever does it for you!
Having all of the sex stuff and vaginismus stuff living harmoniously on a shelf in my bedroom feels like a big step towards acceptance. And shagging.
Spring has sprung! And hopefully, so has a new, more sex-confident me!
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Tuesday, 1 March 2016
Broken Record
Although I have vaginismus, and therefore cannot have intercourse, I have been taking the contraceptive pill for years. Paradoxical, right?
Without going in to too much gory, bloody detail- I take the contraceptive pill to regulate my periods. Because without it, my period is a total beast and hangs around for, like, 10 days. I need that pill!
I'm now going to run you through my medical history...
I first spoke to my doctor about my suspicions that I have a dodgy vagina when I was 21. I was told I had vaginismus by a psychosexual therapist a few months later. Hooray. Diagnosis!
When I turned 25, I started receiving letters from the doctor, telling it me was time to come for my smear test. Obviously, my vaginismus head did the only thing it knew how to, and scrunched each of those letters up and threw them in the the bin. WHERE THEY BELONG. No speculum in my vagina, thanks!
When I was 23, I registered with a new doctor, and at my initial appointment, the nurse said she would do my smear test. You know... seeing as you're here... I went beetroot red and mumbled that I had never had sex. 'SPEAK UP? EXCUSE ME?' I have never had sex. I have vaginismus. It says so in my records... doesn't it?
It did not.
When I was around 25ish, I broke my toe. I went to see my doctor, who confirmed that it was indeed broken, and there was nothing he could do. I just had to ride it out. I thanked him, and was about to hobble out the door, when he stopped me. He said, seeing as I was here, we might as well have a wee look at my records and just make sure everything's up to date. He asked my how I was getting on with my smoking... I looked at him, baffled. I have never smoked. He insisted that I must have once been a smoker, because it said on the record to ask me how I was getting on with quitting. After a lot of backwards and forwards 'YES YOU DID'... 'No I didn't!' he dropped the issue and moved on to smear tests.
Again, I went bright red and looked at my hands... SorryIhaventhadsexsoIdontthinkIneedasmeartest. 'PARDON? SORRY I DIDNT CATCH THAT? SAY IT AGAIN- LOUDER AND SLOWER PLEASE!' I have never had sex. I have vaginismus. It should be in my record... Oh never mind...
You can see this pattern emerging, right?
Every time I have gone to the doctor with a minor, non-vaginismus related ailment, I have been asked to drop my pants and let them stick a speculum in my vagina. And every time, I look at the floor, turn red and have to explain AGAIN that I have not had sex. I cannot have sex. I have vaginismus.
Why is it not in my records?
Is it not a genuine enough condition? Does it not deserve to go in my notes? Do I not deserve a break from having to tell that same story, over and over. Sometimes to the same doctor?
This morning, I went to the doctor to get a new prescription of contraceptive pills. This time I was prepared and I was NOT going to look at the floor.
We had a bit of chit-chat... ANY SIDE EFFECTS?... No everything is fine...
OH. BEFORE YOU GO... I SEE HERE THAT YOU HAVEN'T HAD A SMEAR TEST FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS.
That's incorrect. I've actually never had a smear test. Ever.
OH... BUT THAT'S NOT RIGHT... HOW CAN YOU HAVE NEVER HAD A SMEAR TEST?
I was diagnosed with vaginismus nearly 10 years ago. I've seen lots of doctors about it. That's weird that you don't have a note of it on my record.
SO YOU'RE NOT HAVING SEX?
No. I have vaginismus. I'm having treatment at the moment. I'll come back once I've had sex. Which will be quite soon, hopefully!
And then I left. Head held high. Not ashamed.
I hope next time I go to the doctors, I don't need to explain the vaginismus story.
Maybe because they have actually written it down this time.
Or maybe because I'll no longer have it.
Tell me your doctor stories from hell... and let's start some kinda vaginismus revolution or whatever! heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Without going in to too much gory, bloody detail- I take the contraceptive pill to regulate my periods. Because without it, my period is a total beast and hangs around for, like, 10 days. I need that pill!
I'm now going to run you through my medical history...
I first spoke to my doctor about my suspicions that I have a dodgy vagina when I was 21. I was told I had vaginismus by a psychosexual therapist a few months later. Hooray. Diagnosis!
When I turned 25, I started receiving letters from the doctor, telling it me was time to come for my smear test. Obviously, my vaginismus head did the only thing it knew how to, and scrunched each of those letters up and threw them in the the bin. WHERE THEY BELONG. No speculum in my vagina, thanks!
When I was 23, I registered with a new doctor, and at my initial appointment, the nurse said she would do my smear test. You know... seeing as you're here... I went beetroot red and mumbled that I had never had sex. 'SPEAK UP? EXCUSE ME?' I have never had sex. I have vaginismus. It says so in my records... doesn't it?
It did not.
When I was around 25ish, I broke my toe. I went to see my doctor, who confirmed that it was indeed broken, and there was nothing he could do. I just had to ride it out. I thanked him, and was about to hobble out the door, when he stopped me. He said, seeing as I was here, we might as well have a wee look at my records and just make sure everything's up to date. He asked my how I was getting on with my smoking... I looked at him, baffled. I have never smoked. He insisted that I must have once been a smoker, because it said on the record to ask me how I was getting on with quitting. After a lot of backwards and forwards 'YES YOU DID'... 'No I didn't!' he dropped the issue and moved on to smear tests.
Again, I went bright red and looked at my hands... SorryIhaventhadsexsoIdontthinkIneedasmeartest. 'PARDON? SORRY I DIDNT CATCH THAT? SAY IT AGAIN- LOUDER AND SLOWER PLEASE!' I have never had sex. I have vaginismus. It should be in my record... Oh never mind...
You can see this pattern emerging, right?
Every time I have gone to the doctor with a minor, non-vaginismus related ailment, I have been asked to drop my pants and let them stick a speculum in my vagina. And every time, I look at the floor, turn red and have to explain AGAIN that I have not had sex. I cannot have sex. I have vaginismus.
Why is it not in my records?
Is it not a genuine enough condition? Does it not deserve to go in my notes? Do I not deserve a break from having to tell that same story, over and over. Sometimes to the same doctor?
This morning, I went to the doctor to get a new prescription of contraceptive pills. This time I was prepared and I was NOT going to look at the floor.
We had a bit of chit-chat... ANY SIDE EFFECTS?... No everything is fine...
OH. BEFORE YOU GO... I SEE HERE THAT YOU HAVEN'T HAD A SMEAR TEST FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS.
That's incorrect. I've actually never had a smear test. Ever.
OH... BUT THAT'S NOT RIGHT... HOW CAN YOU HAVE NEVER HAD A SMEAR TEST?
I was diagnosed with vaginismus nearly 10 years ago. I've seen lots of doctors about it. That's weird that you don't have a note of it on my record.
SO YOU'RE NOT HAVING SEX?
No. I have vaginismus. I'm having treatment at the moment. I'll come back once I've had sex. Which will be quite soon, hopefully!
And then I left. Head held high. Not ashamed.
I hope next time I go to the doctors, I don't need to explain the vaginismus story.
Maybe because they have actually written it down this time.
Or maybe because I'll no longer have it.
Tell me your doctor stories from hell... and let's start some kinda vaginismus revolution or whatever! heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Thursday, 18 February 2016
VAGI-FESTO
As you know, I have been struggling a bit lately with motivation when it comes to dealing with my vaginismus. Tonight, I sat about watching TV and eating a cake, trying to muster up the enthusiasm to go and get down with the dilators. I did it... Eventually. It was quite painful. SCORE.
If I'm honest, I felt a bit sorry for myself. I couldn't help thinking how BORED I am of the whole situation. I would like vaginismus to be gone now, please. But unfortunately the only way for this to go away is for me to keep motivated. It's a cycle of pain, lube, frustration and dilators. Not necessarily in that order...
But, this is not a 'pity-me-and-my-shit-vagina' kinda blog.
Instead, I'm going to get all motivational about trying to stop this crap happening to other women. This, my friends, is my VAGI-FESTO.
So.
How do we do it? How do we stop women from ending up in the same, sorry state that I am in now?
1. BETTER BODY EDUCATION
This is a no brainer. If a woman is taught where her vagina is, how it operates and what it's for, this is 100% going to improve her chances of not getting vaginismus*
*Not actual science. Just my guess.
2. BETTER SEX EDUCATION
Another no-brainer. It is not OK to leave school thinking that sex is dirty, and only for conceiving children. It is also not OK to be taught about sex in a Religious Education class. Sex is biology. Or Personal and Social Education. Or Home Economics. Hey, it's bloody Mathematics, before it's Religious Education.
3. AWARENESS
In my experience, nobody really knows what vaginismus is. I had it for years before I knew how to articulate what was wrong with me. I have heard stories of women going from medical professional to medical profession unable to get a diagnosis. Because not even all the medical professionals know what it is. WHAT EVEN IS THIS? And don't get me started on women who have been told by said medical professionals to 'just relax and have a glass of wine.' NO. NOT COOL.
Wouldn't it be nice to tell someone you have vaginismus and they say 'Oh yeah my cousin has that', or 'Oh yeah, I saw the movie'...
4. STOP THE SHAME!
So you finally get a diagnosis. Hooray. But, oh dear, it's a bit embarrassing. And a bit disgusting. So maybe just avoid it for a few weeks, months, years because actually dealing with it involves doing a lot of things that are uncomfortable, painful and shameful. And, let's face it, you'll probably be doing it on your own, because there's no chance at all that you're sharing this story with your friends, and therapy is really expensive... So probably better just to try and work through this in the privacy of your own home, right?
I can hardly get all preachy about this one, given my anonymous state and secrecy, but there's something wrong here...
5. BETTER ATTITUDES TOWARDS WOMEN AND SEX IN GENERAL
I grew up thinking sex was a sin. It took me a long time to realise that a woman who likes sex is not a slut. Sex is a normal, fun, essential part of a woman's life. I, and so many others, have been denied the ability to feel that way about it. But hopefully, with a bit of work on this VAGI-FESTO, we'll see an end to this.
VAGI-FESTO is a work in a progress. Feel free to send suggestions that we can add to it.
POWER!!!
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
tweet! @heyvaginismus
If I'm honest, I felt a bit sorry for myself. I couldn't help thinking how BORED I am of the whole situation. I would like vaginismus to be gone now, please. But unfortunately the only way for this to go away is for me to keep motivated. It's a cycle of pain, lube, frustration and dilators. Not necessarily in that order...
But, this is not a 'pity-me-and-my-shit-vagina' kinda blog.
Instead, I'm going to get all motivational about trying to stop this crap happening to other women. This, my friends, is my VAGI-FESTO.
So.
How do we do it? How do we stop women from ending up in the same, sorry state that I am in now?
1. BETTER BODY EDUCATION
This is a no brainer. If a woman is taught where her vagina is, how it operates and what it's for, this is 100% going to improve her chances of not getting vaginismus*
*Not actual science. Just my guess.
2. BETTER SEX EDUCATION
Another no-brainer. It is not OK to leave school thinking that sex is dirty, and only for conceiving children. It is also not OK to be taught about sex in a Religious Education class. Sex is biology. Or Personal and Social Education. Or Home Economics. Hey, it's bloody Mathematics, before it's Religious Education.
3. AWARENESS
In my experience, nobody really knows what vaginismus is. I had it for years before I knew how to articulate what was wrong with me. I have heard stories of women going from medical professional to medical profession unable to get a diagnosis. Because not even all the medical professionals know what it is. WHAT EVEN IS THIS? And don't get me started on women who have been told by said medical professionals to 'just relax and have a glass of wine.' NO. NOT COOL.
Wouldn't it be nice to tell someone you have vaginismus and they say 'Oh yeah my cousin has that', or 'Oh yeah, I saw the movie'...
4. STOP THE SHAME!
So you finally get a diagnosis. Hooray. But, oh dear, it's a bit embarrassing. And a bit disgusting. So maybe just avoid it for a few weeks, months, years because actually dealing with it involves doing a lot of things that are uncomfortable, painful and shameful. And, let's face it, you'll probably be doing it on your own, because there's no chance at all that you're sharing this story with your friends, and therapy is really expensive... So probably better just to try and work through this in the privacy of your own home, right?
I can hardly get all preachy about this one, given my anonymous state and secrecy, but there's something wrong here...
5. BETTER ATTITUDES TOWARDS WOMEN AND SEX IN GENERAL
I grew up thinking sex was a sin. It took me a long time to realise that a woman who likes sex is not a slut. Sex is a normal, fun, essential part of a woman's life. I, and so many others, have been denied the ability to feel that way about it. But hopefully, with a bit of work on this VAGI-FESTO, we'll see an end to this.
VAGI-FESTO is a work in a progress. Feel free to send suggestions that we can add to it.
POWER!!!
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
tweet! @heyvaginismus
Tuesday, 16 February 2016
Square One
My biggest fear throughout all of this crazy vaginismus journey is suddenly finding myself back at Square One.
I mean, suddenly waking up and finding that my vagina has shrivelled up, nothing will go in and I can no longer touch myself without wanting to be vomit. This might sound dramatic, but remember, this is where I was less than six months ago.
For the last quarter of 2015, work was thin on the ground and I had endless hours to dedicate to vaginismus. I used my dilators every day, and updated this blog a couple of times a week. It felt like a second job, but in a very exciting and rewarding way.
Then 2016 hit- work is pouring in thick and fast and I am finding myself with barely one day off per week, and juggling four or five projects at a time. My inbox is constantly pinging, my phone is constantly ringing, and my dilators haven't seen the light of day.
The fear of Square One though has suddenly hit, and this week I am determined to get a grip on my vagina, once again. I used my dilators last night and was pretty disappointed that D2, which previously slid in with no problems, was sore and uncomfortable. Yes, I got it in (eventually) but the burning, stinging vaginismus pain was ever-present and I quickly had to remove the dilator. I didn't even attempt D3. Sometimes it's OK to know your limits, and forcing stuff into your already nervous vagina can be a bit counter-productive.
It's quite hard not to get sad about this- but I am trying very hard not to beat myself up! And I am going to try again tonight. It's a process of re-training my brain and my vag and reminding them both that it's totally OK to co-operate with each other.
We've done it before.
We'll do it again.
With regards to Square One, the chances of going all the way back are so tiny. I know that. Because, even though I have been busy and dilating has taken a backseat, I have taken control of vaginismus. I must not forget that! A temporary break isn't ideal, but I am never starting from scratch.
In under six months I have:
- touched my genitals without feeling queasy
-masturbated more than I have in my entire life
- inserted a tampon
- inserted four out of five dilators, with no pain
- let my husband insert his finger
- let my husband insert a dilator
- seriously considered the possibility that soon I might be able to have penetrative sex
Not bad at all.
It's worth reminding ourselves sometimes of how far we've come. It puts things into perspective. TONIGHT, D3, YOU WILL GO IN MY VAGINA. (But if you don't, it's cool... we'll try again tomorrow)...
Any tips on keeping motovated? PING THEM MY WAY! heyvaginismus@gmail.com
I mean, suddenly waking up and finding that my vagina has shrivelled up, nothing will go in and I can no longer touch myself without wanting to be vomit. This might sound dramatic, but remember, this is where I was less than six months ago.
For the last quarter of 2015, work was thin on the ground and I had endless hours to dedicate to vaginismus. I used my dilators every day, and updated this blog a couple of times a week. It felt like a second job, but in a very exciting and rewarding way.
Then 2016 hit- work is pouring in thick and fast and I am finding myself with barely one day off per week, and juggling four or five projects at a time. My inbox is constantly pinging, my phone is constantly ringing, and my dilators haven't seen the light of day.
The fear of Square One though has suddenly hit, and this week I am determined to get a grip on my vagina, once again. I used my dilators last night and was pretty disappointed that D2, which previously slid in with no problems, was sore and uncomfortable. Yes, I got it in (eventually) but the burning, stinging vaginismus pain was ever-present and I quickly had to remove the dilator. I didn't even attempt D3. Sometimes it's OK to know your limits, and forcing stuff into your already nervous vagina can be a bit counter-productive.
It's quite hard not to get sad about this- but I am trying very hard not to beat myself up! And I am going to try again tonight. It's a process of re-training my brain and my vag and reminding them both that it's totally OK to co-operate with each other.
We've done it before.
We'll do it again.
With regards to Square One, the chances of going all the way back are so tiny. I know that. Because, even though I have been busy and dilating has taken a backseat, I have taken control of vaginismus. I must not forget that! A temporary break isn't ideal, but I am never starting from scratch.
In under six months I have:
- touched my genitals without feeling queasy
-masturbated more than I have in my entire life
- inserted a tampon
- inserted four out of five dilators, with no pain
- let my husband insert his finger
- let my husband insert a dilator
- seriously considered the possibility that soon I might be able to have penetrative sex
Not bad at all.
It's worth reminding ourselves sometimes of how far we've come. It puts things into perspective. TONIGHT, D3, YOU WILL GO IN MY VAGINA. (But if you don't, it's cool... we'll try again tomorrow)...
Any tips on keeping motovated? PING THEM MY WAY! heyvaginismus@gmail.com
Thursday, 7 January 2016
Happy New Vag!
I hope you all had a wonderful time!
I have finally come out the other end of the Christmas/ New Year festivities. Back to work and back to blogging. And back to vaginismus.
I'd love to tell you that Christmas was a productive sex-fest, with epic dilating, shagging and vaginismus-conquering, but that would be a big fat lie. At the end of 2015, I was suffering the common freelancer ailment known as 'burnout'. I was over-worked, tired and craving some down time. So I had it. I spent Christmas and New Year lounging around on people's sofas, eating excessively and knocking back way too many glasses of champagne. Lovely!
Christmas is my husband's busiest time of the year at work (Guess his job... Spoiler alert- he's not Santa). Time together was short and precious, and dealing with vaginismus was pretty much off the agenda. It was good just to spend time together without the big V hanging over our heads.
But getting lost in a haze of wine, tinsel and heartburn doesn't actually mean the problem goes away.
It's 2016 and I still have vaginismus.
I have managed to use my dilators once or twice over the Christmas holidays. One of the targets I set with my therapist was to stop inserting D0. Instead, I was to try and start with D2. I am pleased to say that I managed to do this- on two separate occasions- and am now confident that D0 can remain forever in the drawer. Although I am disappointed with how little I have used dilators over the past few weeks, I am very impressed by my stretchy vagina and it's ability to remember that insertion is OK.
So this week it's back to work and back to reality. Unfortunately, the gods of excellent timing are frowning upon me, and I have been blessed with my period this week. So no dilators. But I thought a bit of blogging might be just what I need to ease myself back into the world of vaginismus.
It's been a good holiday, but time to get real.
I am DETERMINED that, when 2017 rolls round, I will have conquered vaginismus. It's not a new years resolutions (for as we all know, nobody sticks to those). It's deeper than that.
It's a choice.
This year, I choose not to keep vaginismus in my life.
Hope all my fellow vaginismus ladies have had a great holiday, and hope you're filled with the same hope and determination for 2016.
LET'S DO THIS GIRLS!
xx
heyvaginismus@gmail.com
www.twitter.com/heyvaginismus
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