So, I have a couple of quiet days before the madness of Christmas kicks in (if you don't count doing all my Christmas shopping... If you thought my denial and avoidance of vaginismus was bad, wait till you hear about my gift buying... Another day perhaps...)
I was up bright and early this morning and full of determination to get back on track with dilators. It has probably been around 2 weeks since I last used them. Not a big deal, lots of people go more than 2 weeks without anything going into their vagina, but when it's a hit or miss situation whether your anxious vag will accept insertion, it can feel like a long time.
At my last therapy appointment, a few days ago, my therapist was asking what my 'routine' was when using dilators. For example, masturbation? Relaxation? I had to confess to the TV watching and biscuit eating, and also the habit I have fallen in to of lining the dilators up and inserting each one in order, from smallest to largest. Even though I completely know and trust that I can insert the bigger dilators, I always start off with the smallest one, just in case. I call it my 'warm up'. An athlete wouldn't just roll out of bed, and sprint in the Olympics. Neither can I just take my underwear off and shove an enormous plastic penis inside me. I'm a vaginismus athlete, and I need to stretch.
Now, while this sounds like very clever logic, my therapist and I discussed what I had been starting to suspect all along. Yes, vagina athletics is all very well and good, but when it comes to having real, actual sex, there isn't going to be time to go through the ritualistic warm up routine before inserting the husband's penis. In fact, it's not even physically possible. Sadly, the male anatomy has not yet evolved to shrink to the size of a finger, then gradually move up to different sizes in a controlled fashion. It just goes from one size, to the other, very quickly. And nobody can really control it.
My therapist suggested that, now that I'm working with the biggest dilators, it might be time to ditch the routine, and stop starting every session with D0. Sometimes, therapists suggest things that make you feel scared or sick, but this actually made a lot of sense to me. I have faith in myself and my vagina now. We can do this!
But this morning, after two weeks of no dilators, that felt like an impossible task. I stuck D2 (the middle sized dilator) on the handle but before I even tried to insert it, I knew it wasn't going to go in. So, I must confess, I went back to D0. Only for a few minutes! Promise!
After I was feeling comfortable with D0 inside me, I skipped D1 and went straight to D2. I inserted it easily and took it out after a couple of minutes, so that I could concentrate on D3. Luckily, that one went in quite easily too. The pain is getting noticeably less, and I was thrilled that the trademark vaginismus burning didn't rear it's ugly head again, after my little dilating holiday.
So, tomorrow, my goal is to do it all over again, but this time start with D2. The sooner I can insert large dilators with no 'warm up', the sooner I can move on to a penis, and win that gold medal for shagging!