Thursday, 3 December 2015
The Only Way Is Up
To all those readers who don't have vaginismus, I'm sorry. You'll NEVER understand this feeling. So haha. Us vaginismus ladies win.
I almost want to put a little cap on, and sing the graduation song every time I move up a size. Obviously I don't, that's weird. But I'll probably do it after the first time I have sex. My husband is very musical. Perhaps he can learn it on the guitar and we can have a little ceremony in the bedroom.
Anyway, as you'll see from previous posts, I have been working with dilator number 3 (which is actually the fourth dilator in the kit. The first one is called zero.) This has been the toughest one so far, and it has taken me much longer than before to get totally comfortable with it. Not really surprising, given the size of the bloody thing.
But D3, or George as he is affectionately known, is now a pleasure to deal with. I have persevered and stuck at it, and am now at the casual, sliding stage. Boom!
So today, after successfully inserting George three times in a row, I decided to get his successor, the dreaded D4, out of the bag. Now, words can't quite describe the size of this thing. It's allegedly penis sized, but I'm pretty sure a lot of men would kill to have a penis like D4. It is a beast.
A nice, civilised name like George is not going to be suitable for this bad boy. I'm thinking something along the lines of Everest, or Warrior, or The Hulk are more appropriate.
So, I took the beast out of his bag, and had a little look and a think about it. And then I decided to give it a go.
This felt completely different to all the other dilators. It genuinely felt as if it was an impossible task. However, I took a deep breath, and was quite amazed that I managed to get the tip inside my vagina. Just the tip. No graduation gowns yet. But still. Quite a step forward.
I'm excited to be starting to experiment with D4, but it's also a hugely symbolic moment. D4 signifies the end. Not necessarily the end of vaginismus forever of course, there's a lot of other work to be done before I'm having lovely, pain-free sex. But the end of one part of it all. When I bought that dilator kit I don't think I ever believed I would be inserting something that size into my vagina (and then sitting down with a cup of tea and writing a blog about it!) Now, when I look at the very first, tiny dilator, I can't believe it was ever a problem for me.
That's the nice thing about dilators. It's very easy to, literally, measure how far you've come.
Wanna talk dilators? Or vaginas? I DO!!! firstname.lastname@example.org