Thursday, 3 December 2015

The Only Way Is Up

One of the really cool things about having vaginismus is the feeling you get when you conquer one of your dilators.  You spend so much time working on it, trying every time you use it to push it in that little bit further, fist pumping with joy when it stops hurting and feeling like a total boss when it eventually just casually slides in while you lie on the sofa watching cookery shows, and not giving a shit.

To all those readers who don't have vaginismus, I'm sorry. You'll NEVER understand this feeling. So haha. Us vaginismus ladies win.

I almost want to put a little cap on, and sing the graduation song every time I move up a size. Obviously I don't, that's weird.  But I'll probably do it after the first time I have sex.  My husband is very musical. Perhaps he can learn it on the guitar and we can have a little ceremony in the bedroom.

Anyway, as you'll see from previous posts, I have been working with dilator number 3 (which is actually the fourth dilator in the kit.  The first one is called zero.)  This has been the toughest one so far, and it has taken me much longer than before to get totally comfortable with it.  Not really surprising, given the size of the bloody thing.

But D3, or George as he is affectionately known, is now a pleasure to deal with.  I have persevered and stuck at it, and am now at the casual, sliding stage.  Boom!

So today, after successfully inserting George three times in a row, I decided to get his successor, the dreaded D4, out of the bag.  Now, words can't quite describe the size of this thing.  It's allegedly penis sized, but I'm pretty sure a lot of men would kill to have a penis like D4.  It is a beast.

A nice, civilised name like George is not going to be suitable for this bad boy.  I'm thinking something along the lines of Everest, or Warrior, or The Hulk are more appropriate.

So, I took the beast out of his bag, and had a little look and a think about it.  And then I decided to give it a go.

This felt completely different to all the other dilators.  It genuinely felt as if it was an impossible task. However, I took a deep breath, and was quite amazed that I managed to get the tip inside my vagina.  Just the tip.  No graduation gowns yet. But still.  Quite a step forward.

I'm excited to be starting to experiment with D4, but it's also a hugely symbolic moment.  D4 signifies the end.  Not necessarily the end of vaginismus forever of course, there's a lot of other work to be done before I'm having lovely, pain-free sex.  But the end of one part of it all.  When I bought that dilator kit I don't think I ever believed I would be inserting something that size into my vagina (and then sitting down with a cup of tea and writing a blog about it!)  Now, when I look at the very first, tiny dilator, I can't believe it was ever a problem for me.

That's the nice thing about dilators. It's very easy to, literally, measure how far you've come.

Wanna talk dilators? Or vaginas? I DO!!!


  1. Hi! I can't believe I just found your blog, I absolutely love it!!
    I'm basically at the same place in my vaginismus journey - I started therapy two months ago and now am finally inserting the really large dilators. I feel the same way as you do - I love using the dilators now because it makes me feel so victorious! After having vaginismus for so long, knowing that I can insert the jumbo dilators easily is absolutely amazing.
    Thank you so much for writing such a terrific blog! I wish I had the courage to write about vaginismus when I was at the beginning of my long road with it, not the end. I'm going to read your entire blog now!!
    - Jenna
    (also that previous comment above is me but I realized that my whole name was there so I panicked and changed it)

    1. Hi Jenna, thanks so much! Im so glad you like it. I love writing it, and its so nice that people enjoy reading it too. It sounds like you're doing amazing with dilators! Keep me up to date with how you're getting on! The best thing about starting this blog has been chatting to other women who are going through vaginismus too. It's a pretty lonely situation to be in, so its so great to hear other stories!xx

  2. Now that I've read more of your blog, are you using the dilators? Because props to you, D4 is a MONSTER! I'm not at that level yet. I'm using those dilators and another set that I got from my physical therapist, so I'm in between D3 (haha George!) and D4.

    Also, your blog is so awesome. I love how you talk about vaginismus with humor. I wish I read something like this when I was diagnosed a year ago!

    1. Also yes it's the kit! Haha D4 is pretty monstrous, and only just experimenting with it for now, I think it'll be a little while before it's going in!
      Can I ask, how did you find my blog? ALways interested to know this!x

  3. :( I managed to get everest/hulk/warrior (I like warrior; feels like he's on our side :D ) halfway in...but that was a month or so ago..I have stopped trying since - lack of motivation, issues with trying partner guided insertions and just the stress of school.
    I hope I can get motivated to get back to it soon!
    I love reading your blog.. :)
    - Hope

    1. :D lol...I called d4 a "he" :D :D :D

    2. Hahaha! Amazing! Let's call him Warrior!
      You'll go back to it when you're ready, but knowing you managed to get it halfway in before will hopefully help! Whenever I have a little break from it, I just try and remind myself how far I have got before, and that I can do it again! Lots of luck to you! I'm sure you'll beat that warrior!xx

    3. At some point, could you do a post on how to keep yourself motivated?
      I've been "on again, off again" with the whole thing since 2014!
      Never reached as far as I'm rigt now though.
      I've been married 5 years now. And I'd love for 2016 to be the year we consummate!

      Also, happy new year to you!! :)

    4. Yes of course, though I haven't been very motivated over past few weeks, thanks to too much Christmas fun! But it's a good topic to blog about, I'll definitely do a post on this! Happy new year to you too- this will be out year!! Let's keep each other motivated :-) xx