So, apologies for the lack of updates on my vagina, lovely readers. I have been in a living hell this week, dealing with something EVEN WORSE than vaginismus. I have been learning to drive.
Much like with penetrative sex, I have managed to make it to the ripe old age of 30 without ever learning to drive a car. Much like with vaginismus, I have employed my favourite skills of avoidance, excuses and denial.
'I don't need to learn to drive.' 'I'm too busy for driving lessons.' 'I'm poor! Food before driving, at all times'. 'I really like public transport'...
All of these excuses, and more, have come out of my mouth at some time or another when challenged by a friend, family member or colleague over my lack of drivers licence.
I have dabbled with lessons in the past but never given it my full attention and commitment.
This week, I have driven for 3 hours every day. Then I get home from my lesson and watch DVDs and fill in a logbook and do quizzes about driving. It's called an 'intensive driving course', and they're not lying. It's been VERY intense. I now have the weekend off to bite my nails and shit myself, and then I am doing my driving test on Monday afternoon. Oh what fun.
I have never really imagined myself being able to drive. I always thought it was one of things that just wasn't meant for me. I was destined to spend my life on buses, and begging friends for lifts. But now, it's actually a reality. I am sitting my driving test on Monday, and, if I don't do anything ridiculous and keep my nerves under control, I might actually pass it.
My driving instructor said today 'There isn't anything you don't know how to do. You just need to relax and focus and you'll be fine'.
And do you know what? He's right.
I have surprised and amazed myself over the past few months with how I have tackled vaginismus. I have learned about my own body, memorised what my vagina looks and feels like. I have manouvered dilators the size of penises into my vagina, and known when to speed up and when to slow down. I have used judgement to know when to stop, and when it's ok to proceed. There isn't anything I don't know how to do. I just need to relax and focus, and I'll be fine.
Learning to drive and overcoming vaginismus basically involve the same parts of my brain. And both of these processes are so nearly there. They just need some fine tuning and practice. And most importantly, letting go of that control that I love so much.
Will I pass my driving test on Monday? Maybe. Will I have penetrative sex with my husband next week? Probably not.
But it's the knowing that these things are possible and believing it, that are important. As always, it's not a race. It'll happen when the time is right.
Wish me luck! x