Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Have Yourself A Merry Vaginismus!


I am going to be flitting around the country visiting family and friends, so am officially signing off for Christmas (unless anything MAJOR happens. Like I have sex or whatever. Then I'll probably write something).

A couple of things before I go...

Christmas has come early at Hey Vaginismus HQ, thanks to the lovely people at Jo Divine.  We have been chatting over on Twitter and they have very kindly sent me a box of products which will hopefully help with and compliment vaginismus treatment.  I'll be writing about how I get on with the products but just for your info, I will be trying: OhMiBod Lovelife Dream vibrator , Yes Organic Water Based Lubricant and Yes Organic Oil Based Lubricant.

Here's me and my festive nails modelling the products...

Thanks Jo Divine! Pretty excited to play with my new things!

Also, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has read the blog, retweeted, emailed and commented on what I have been writing. 

Vaginismus is no fun, but Hey Vaginismus! has most definitely helped me to find some light in a pretty hard situation.  I am hoping 2016 is the year I say farewell to vaginismus forever, but if it isn't, I know that I have lots of great people supporting me through Hey Vaginismus!


Please have lot's of sex!


Monday, 21 December 2015

Vagina Athlete

So, I have a couple of quiet days before the madness of Christmas kicks in (if you don't count doing all my Christmas shopping... If you thought my denial and avoidance of vaginismus was bad, wait till you hear about my gift buying... Another day perhaps...)

I was up bright and early this morning and full of determination to get back on track with dilators.  It has probably been around 2 weeks since I last used them.  Not a big deal, lots of people go more than 2 weeks without anything going into their vagina, but when it's a hit or miss situation whether your anxious vag will accept insertion, it can feel like a long time.

At my last therapy appointment, a few days ago, my therapist was asking what my 'routine' was when using dilators.  For example, masturbation? Relaxation? I had to confess to the TV watching and biscuit eating, and also the habit I have fallen in to of lining the dilators up and inserting each one in order, from smallest to largest.  Even though I completely know and trust that I can insert the bigger dilators, I always start off with the smallest one, just in case.  I call it my 'warm up'.  An athlete wouldn't just roll out of bed, and sprint in the Olympics.  Neither can I just take my underwear off and shove an enormous plastic penis inside me.  I'm a vaginismus athlete, and I need to stretch.

Now, while this sounds like very clever logic, my therapist and I discussed what I had been starting to suspect all along.  Yes, vagina athletics is all very well and good, but when it comes to having real, actual sex, there isn't going to be time to go through the ritualistic warm up routine before inserting the husband's penis.  In fact, it's not even physically possible.  Sadly, the male anatomy has not yet evolved to shrink to the size of a finger, then gradually move up to different sizes in a controlled fashion.  It just goes from one size, to the other, very quickly. And nobody can really control it.

My therapist suggested that, now that I'm working with the biggest dilators, it might be time to ditch the routine, and stop starting every session with D0.  Sometimes, therapists suggest things that make you feel scared or sick, but this actually made a lot of sense to me.  I have faith in myself and my vagina now. We can do this!

But this morning, after two weeks of no dilators, that felt like an impossible task.  I stuck D2 (the middle sized dilator) on the handle but before I even tried to insert it, I knew it wasn't going to go in. So, I must confess, I went back to D0.  Only for a few minutes! Promise!

After I was feeling comfortable with D0 inside me, I skipped D1 and went straight to D2.  I inserted it easily and took it out after a couple of minutes, so that I could concentrate on D3.  Luckily, that one went in quite easily too.  The pain is getting noticeably less, and I was thrilled that the trademark vaginismus burning didn't rear it's ugly head again, after my little dilating holiday.

So, tomorrow, my goal is to do it all over again, but this time start with D2.  The sooner I can insert large dilators with no 'warm up', the sooner I can move on to a penis, and win that gold medal for shagging!

Do you have a routine for dilating? Let me know!

Friday, 11 December 2015

Mirror Signal Manouvre

So, apologies for the lack of updates on my vagina, lovely readers.  I have been in a living hell this week, dealing with something EVEN WORSE than vaginismus.  I have been learning to drive.

Much like with penetrative sex, I have managed to make it to the ripe old age of 30 without ever learning to drive a car.  Much like with vaginismus, I have employed my favourite skills of avoidance, excuses and denial.

'I don't need to learn to drive.'  'I'm too busy for driving lessons.' 'I'm poor! Food before driving, at all times'.  'I really like public transport'...

All of these excuses, and more, have come out of my mouth at some time or another when challenged by a friend, family member or colleague over my lack of drivers licence.
I have dabbled with lessons in the past but never given it my full attention and commitment.


This week, I have driven for 3 hours every day.  Then I get home from my lesson and watch DVDs and fill in a logbook and do quizzes about driving.  It's called an 'intensive driving course', and they're not lying.  It's been VERY  intense.  I now have the weekend off to bite my nails and shit myself, and then I am doing my driving test on Monday afternoon.  Oh what fun.

I have never really imagined myself being able to drive.  I always thought it was one of things that just wasn't meant for me.  I was destined to spend my life on buses, and begging friends for lifts.  But now, it's actually a reality. I am sitting my driving test on Monday, and, if I don't do anything ridiculous and keep my nerves under control, I might actually pass it.

My driving instructor said today 'There isn't anything you don't know how to do.  You just need to relax and focus and you'll be fine'.

And do you know what? He's right.

I have surprised and amazed myself over the past few months with how I have tackled vaginismus.  I have learned about my own body, memorised what my vagina looks and feels like.  I have manouvered dilators the size of penises into my vagina, and known when to speed up and when to slow down.  I have used judgement to know when to stop, and when it's ok to proceed.  There isn't anything I don't know how to do.  I just need to relax and focus, and I'll be fine.

Learning to drive and overcoming vaginismus basically involve the same parts of my brain.  And both of these processes are so nearly there. They just need some fine tuning and practice.  And most importantly, letting go of that control that I love so much.

Will I pass my driving test on Monday? Maybe.  Will I have penetrative sex with my husband next week? Probably not.

But it's the knowing that these things are possible and believing it, that are important.  As always, it's not a race. It'll happen when the time is right.

Wish me luck! x

Thursday, 3 December 2015

The Only Way Is Up

One of the really cool things about having vaginismus is the feeling you get when you conquer one of your dilators.  You spend so much time working on it, trying every time you use it to push it in that little bit further, fist pumping with joy when it stops hurting and feeling like a total boss when it eventually just casually slides in while you lie on the sofa watching cookery shows, and not giving a shit.

To all those readers who don't have vaginismus, I'm sorry. You'll NEVER understand this feeling. So haha. Us vaginismus ladies win.

I almost want to put a little cap on, and sing the graduation song every time I move up a size. Obviously I don't, that's weird.  But I'll probably do it after the first time I have sex.  My husband is very musical. Perhaps he can learn it on the guitar and we can have a little ceremony in the bedroom.

Anyway, as you'll see from previous posts, I have been working with dilator number 3 (which is actually the fourth dilator in the kit.  The first one is called zero.)  This has been the toughest one so far, and it has taken me much longer than before to get totally comfortable with it.  Not really surprising, given the size of the bloody thing.

But D3, or George as he is affectionately known, is now a pleasure to deal with.  I have persevered and stuck at it, and am now at the casual, sliding stage.  Boom!

So today, after successfully inserting George three times in a row, I decided to get his successor, the dreaded D4, out of the bag.  Now, words can't quite describe the size of this thing.  It's allegedly penis sized, but I'm pretty sure a lot of men would kill to have a penis like D4.  It is a beast.

A nice, civilised name like George is not going to be suitable for this bad boy.  I'm thinking something along the lines of Everest, or Warrior, or The Hulk are more appropriate.

So, I took the beast out of his bag, and had a little look and a think about it.  And then I decided to give it a go.

This felt completely different to all the other dilators.  It genuinely felt as if it was an impossible task. However, I took a deep breath, and was quite amazed that I managed to get the tip inside my vagina.  Just the tip.  No graduation gowns yet. But still.  Quite a step forward.

I'm excited to be starting to experiment with D4, but it's also a hugely symbolic moment.  D4 signifies the end.  Not necessarily the end of vaginismus forever of course, there's a lot of other work to be done before I'm having lovely, pain-free sex.  But the end of one part of it all.  When I bought that dilator kit I don't think I ever believed I would be inserting something that size into my vagina (and then sitting down with a cup of tea and writing a blog about it!)  Now, when I look at the very first, tiny dilator, I can't believe it was ever a problem for me.

That's the nice thing about dilators. It's very easy to, literally, measure how far you've come.

Wanna talk dilators? Or vaginas? I DO!!!

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

A Quickie: Vaginismus Dreaming

I had a really weird dream the other night. The kind that you would go in to work and tell someone about, even though you know nobody cares about your stupid weird dream.

Well, nobody that I work with knows I have vaginimus, so I will tell my weird dream to all you poor readers.

SO... I had this dream that I looked in the mirror and I had a big white spot on my forehead. You know the type, the ones that just need to be squeezed immediately.  So I squeezed it and, slowly, a big massive white tube emerged from my head. It kept coming and coming, until eventually it fell out and it had a little grey handle on the end.

Yes. It was a dilator.

I dreamed that I squeezed a fucking dilator out of my own head.

Now, I don't think we need a magic dream analyst to tell me what's going on here.

Vaginismus, literally, on the brain.

And with that horrifying image, enjoy the rest of your day! ;-)