Sunday, 29 November 2015

Who Vaginismus?

Since I started this blog, I feel that vaginismus is in the forefront of my thoughts most of the time.

In the morning, I reach for my Iphone, do the usual email, facebook, twitter routine, but now I also check in with the blog.  Sometimes before I even check in with work.  I spend so much time thinking, writing and tweeting about my own vagina- and I love it!

My husband reads the blog, and obviously is involved in my treatment, so we spend a lot of time talking about vaginismus.  But not in the sad, desperate way that we used to.  We laugh about it now, and we talk optimistically about the future.  We have a catalogue of vaginismus related in-jokes, and have learned how to talk about sex and our feelings in a candid, rational way.  Score!

I see my therapist about once a fortnight- and, rather unsurprisingly, vaginismus is our main topic of conversation. I usually go away from appointments with something to think about (or write about), and definitely something to talk to my husband about.

TALK THINK WRITE TALK TWEET THINK BLOG TWEET TALK JOKE LAUGH          VAGINISMUS!

With all this vagina chat running through my head, it can sometimes be difficult to stop myself talking about it in every day conversation.  There have been so many occasions where I have been chatting to friends, or colleagues, and something has come up that has made me think about vaginismus.  And it nearly falls out my mouth, until I quickly remember that I can't say it.  I can't talk about it, because apart from my husband, therapist and blog readers, nobody knows that I have vaginismus.  Not even my parents, sister, best friends.  They have no idea.

I have made the conscious choice to remain anonymous when blogging, and to keep this side of my life a secret from the people that I know.  The reasons were originally simple: This is embarrassing and private and shameful. The end.

However, as I talked to more women with the condition, and talked so normally about it with my husband, the shame and embarrassment has started to subside. It has been replaced by a drive and motivation to get through it, raise awareness and help others in my situation.

But I still remain anonymous.

The reasons for doing so have become more complex.

My husband and I spoke about this earlier.  I feel, now, that one day I would like to not be anonymous. That my photograph will be on this blog.  That my face will appear on my twitter.  And maybe even that my nearest and dearest will know and understand the absolute rollercoaster of vaginismus madness that my husband and I have been through in top secret.  But not yet.  To tell them while it's all still happening just seems too hard. And not because of embarrassment. Because I worry that they might be hurt that I haven't told them before.  That they might be shocked that my husband and I have been going through all of this and deliberately shut them out.  That they will ask too many questions that we don't feel ready to answer.  That they'll gossip about it when we're not there.

So for now, I am anonymous.

That said, one of my goals when I started this blog, was to meet another woman with vaginismus in person.  See here . That has not happened yet, and I would be more than willing to ditch the anonymity in that situation.  So, if you'd like to see my face in person, let me know.
Creeps and weirdos need not apply, but fellow vaginismus sufferers are most welcome!

Say hello! heyvaginismus@gmail.com
tweet tweet @heyvaginismus

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