Sunday, 8 November 2015

Slimy Messy Sticky Fun

The 'inserting vaginal dilator' stage of treatment is not the most glamourous.  Very, very necessary but a mess of blood, sweat, tears and lubricant.

It is always advised to use a good lube when inserting things into an anxious vagina- to make the whole process more slippery and simple.  The more lube, the easier the insertion.  What they don't tell you about lube, is that there is literally millions of brands, styles and flavours (YES FLAVOURS) to choose from.  So how do you know which lube is right for you? How can you tell which one is going to assist you in shoving a giant plastic willy inside yourself on a Sunday afternoon?  

The lube rules are: there are no rules.  But there is experience. And here is mine.  Watch out. This gets messy. (And sticky. And yucky. And in your hair).  

When I first started inserting my now very dear friends the dilators, I had an unopened bottle of lube gathering dust in the bathroom.  I was gifted it one night by a drag queen in a nightclub, after participating in a quiz.  True story.  It was a Durex one, so quite a nice, upmarket variety.  It worked well, and certainly made those first few insertions a little bit more comfortable.

When that ran out, I then found another bottle, stashed away in the bedroom.  It was strawberry scented and flavoured. My husband had bought it for us to play around with it, and it smelled like a sweet shop.  I wasn't sure if this would be sensory overload, when adding it to the mix of dilators and anxiety, but decided to give it a go, as the other stuff had ran out and I couldn't be bothered going to the shops.

This was NOT good.  When using dilators, a high volume of lube is required, to convince your poor vag that no pain is coming.  The strawberry lube was sticky.  Not smooth, and calming and lovely. But sticky. When I use dilators, I like to do something else at the same time to normalise the situation. Usually I read a magazine (sex tips in Cosmo or whatever), or text my friends. The sticky lube made this pretty much the worst thing ever.  Magazine ink was transferred onto my hands, and my phone screen was caked in the stuff, to the point where I had to scrub it with baby wipes (which then stuck to my hands) ARGH. It was all a little like a comedy sketch where someone gets superglue on their hands, except this sketch involved an overpowering strawberry scent and me with a no underwear on.

I think it's fair to say that this particular lube was not built for vaginismus treatment. BIN.

I then graduated on to Boot's own brand of lube jelly (?) which came packaged like a toothpaste tube.  I have to be honest and say the reason for choosing it was that it was £3.99 and, at the rate I am going through lubricants, I need to scale back on costs before I bankrupt myself.  Surprisingly, this stuff was quite good.  Still a goddam freaking mess, but less sticky.  Hooray.  I would recommend this as a good, solid choice.  But don't try to use your iphone with this weird jelly lube on your hands.  SLIMY DISASTER AWAITS YOU.

Finally, in my world tour of vaginal lubes, today I purchased a new bottle of Boots own brand called Silky.  I have to say, I was drawn in by the name- it sounds quite sexy and exotic... right? 

But anyway, I have just used it and it was good, clean and not sticky.  Hooray. I was able to read a book, text someone and check email, all while sitting with a well lubricated dilator inside me.  Nothing bled, nothing hurt.  It was, as the bottle promised, silky.

If you have any favourite lubricant brands, let me know! Hit me up! I like the silk, but I am definitely not 100% ready to commit. 

Also, maybe I need to get out more??
twitter @heyvaginismus 

1 comment:

  1. The essayist has composed this blog in the most masterful way. Unbelievable!