Thursday, 26 November 2015

Flying Solo

My husband has left home for a few weeks for work, which means I am temporarily living alone.  This isn't unusual, he works away quite a lot, but it's the first time he has gone away since I started vaginismus treatment.  The first time I've been 100% responsible for motivating myself to keep at it and not just fall into my old, bad habits of avoidance.

So far, it's been going rather well.  I have been using the dilators nearly every night, and am powering through with George (D3). He is now going all the way in, and is hardly hurting me at all.  Hooray! Who needs your husband when you have a guy like George, right? (Just kidding, husband... please come back!)

However, I have noticed that with all this dilator time, I am now getting a bit casual about the whole thing.  I am thrilled that I am no longer a bag of jangling nerves every time I get the dilator bag out the drawer.  No longer do I need to go and sit in a quiet room, breathe deeply and think about beautiful sunsets to get through insertions.  In fact, I am now a bit blase about the whole affair.  For example, this evening, I have just sat inserting dilators, one by one, whilst wearing a Christmas jumper, watching Masterchef and eating a chocolate digestive...  I've hit a whole new level of 'not giving a shit about putting things in my vag'.  BIG CHILLED OUT PAT ON THE BACK FOR ME, THANKS!

Now, while this is very, very good, I sometimes need to remind myself that the end goal of this process is SEX.  I am not sure that the husband will be willing to have sex whilst watching cookery shows, and eating biscuits.  I need to start thinking a bit more sexually when I use the dilators.

While my husband is away, I have two options.

One- have an affair.
Two- Start masturbating.

As a product of Catholic school I can tell you that both of those are a fast track pass to hell.

But, as I am unwilling to become a  love-cheat in the name of vaginismus, I think I'm going to have to face up to the latter.

I have never been a masturbator.  You will recall, dear readers, that only a matter of months ago, I was too scared to touch my own genitals.  The idea made me feel sick.  This is not conducive to having productive sexy time with yourself.  I have tried to masturbate before, but always with my underwear on.  I'd guess that's a bit like drinking a cocktail through a sock.  You sort of get the point, and a bit of the good stuff, but most of it is lost in the material.

So, in the absence of my husband, and to save myself from associating inserting things into my vagina with crap reality TV, I am going to make an effort to start having more solo sex.

Wish me luck on my new venture! MASTURBATION AHOY!

Masturbation tips appreciated... as always, do get in touch heyvaginismus@gmail.com  x






5 comments:

  1. How have you managed to get to George without masturbating?! You're in for a treat! Time for some fantastical thinking. You're clever. You'll figure something out. Once you get that going, you won't be skipping too many sessions. ;)

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    1. Haha! I get through about 3 bottles of lube a week at the moment... But the next step up is the big dilator of death (D4) so thinking he isn't going anywhere without a bit of arousal! Looking forward to getting started, I hear masturbating is really quite pleasant ;-) x

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  2. Just quite pleasant? On the days I don't need any for insertion, I'm a bit bummed.

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