Me and Dilator 3 haven't been the best of friends, so perhaps we should crank up the Barry White, light a nice candle, pour some wine and just have a really good chat about things...
A DATE WITH A DILATOR
Me: Good evening, D3. Thanks for agreeing to meet up
D3: No problem. You look nice. I like your hair
Me: Oh, you big flirt! And you're looking nice too. I like your... handle.
D3: Thanks. I think grey really suits my colouring. Anyway I am glad you asked me here tonight. I think you're right. We need to talk
Me: Yeah. We need to be a bit more honest with each other. And no stupid cliches. None of that 'it's not you, it's me' crap.
D3: Right... but to be fair, it is you.
Me: (sighs) Do you want some wine?
D3: Yes. Thanks.
Me: What should I call you? D3 sounds a bit formal.
D3: Whatever you like. I'm a dilator. I don't really have opinions about things like that.
Me: What about George?
D3: Sounds good. Anyway, I think you're avoiding the issue, now. That's not like you, is it?
Me: Oh ha ha. Very funny.
D3: Seriously, though. We need to sort this out. I don't want you to hate me
Me: I don't hate you! I like you. You just really frustrate me. I feel like I try and try with you, but you just don't do what I want you to do.
D3: I don't think that's fair. I think we're doing well. Every time we meet up, we spend a little bit more time together, and our dates are getting longer and longer.
Me: Yes, that's true. But sometimes you really hurt me
D3: I know. And I'm sorry about that. But when you think about it, every dilator before me has hurt you too but you gave them a chance and ended up getting on quite well with them.
Me: I know. There's just something about you. You're different to the others.
D3: I'm better looking.
Me: You look the same, George. Just bigger.
D3: Yeah but I look more like a penis. I'm the real deal, baby.
Me: The last time I looked, the real deal wasn't white and plastic...
D3: Look, your clearly in denial. But I know I'm right. I'm big and phallic and gorgeous, and none of the others are anything like me. You're obviously going to need more time to get used to me. I'm a stallion.
Me: You're also extremely arrogant. I hate to admit it though, but what you're saying does make sense
D3: Ah! I am also a genius.
Me: Well, where do we go from here?
D3: Well, first of all, you need to calm down. Just chill and enjoy our time together.
Me: You need to stop hurting me
D3: Well, I will. But you need to chill first. You know that
Me: (slams fist on table) SHIT! I hate it when my dilators are right!
D3: (nods, wisely) We do know what we're doing, you know.
Me: OK, thanks, George. Even though you're rude, you've made me feel a bit better. Have you finished your wine?
D3: Yes
Me: Right, let's go back to mine. Get your coat, George. You've pulled
Good one. Congrats on getting to "George". :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! He was lovely once I got to know him... ;-)
ReplyDeleteLOL! It's good you can laugh about this. We thought we were over this stuff four years ago. Now I think we're going to need to go back to the dilators. Not looking forward to it. At least they don't scare me as much as they did the first time.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear that- but definitely good that it's not as scary as before. You've done it before, you'll do it again!
ReplyDeleteI'm finding that laughing about it is really helping me get through it all- even it does mean I find myself posing dilators on chairs with red roses for photographs...!x
Impressive work on the essayist's part.
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