Thursday, 29 October 2015

The Vaginismus Dance- one step forward, two steps back, take a deep breath, move on

So to counter my last post, which was brimming with joy and positivity (and maybe even smugness), I thought it was important to reflect on the fact that vaginismus treatment isn't all plain sailing.  There's a real element of one step forward, and two steps back.

As avid readers of the blog (or fellow sufferers) will know, vaginismus treatment consists of a variety of steps, that aim to get you familiar with your vagina, and comfortable with inserting things in to it. The end goal is a penis, of course.

I am thirty years old, and the first time I ever inserted anything into my vagina was 3 weeks ago. It was the smallest dilator in my kit (D0) and it was the strangest feeling ever.  A mix of disbelief, excitement, mild discomfort and pride.  It happened in the bath, and I sat with it in me for a few moments, before yelling for my husband to come and look.  He ran into the bathroom and we just stared at it for a while. It was inside. WOWZER.

I progressed quickly to the next dilator, managing to insert it the following day.  However,  this was not easy, and caused burning and stinging.  I persevered though, determined to get it in, and wincing through the pain, I managed to push it right in.  It felt like I had stuffed an arm up there- it was agony, uncomfortable and did not feel natural.  Reluctantly I pulled it out, and saw the white plastic of the dilator was covered in bright red blood.  Panic set in, and I ran to the bathroom to try and work out what the hell I had done to myself.  Even after establishing it was probably just my 30 year old hymen breaking, I still couldn't celebrate the fact that I had got D1 in.  The blood, and the pain, were too much, and sad reminders of how far I had to go.

I stuck at it though, and eventually D1 became painless and easy.  It glided in effortlessly, and I could sit with it my vagina in while answering emails, making phone calls and watching tv.

Time to move on up.

D2 was a different beast altogether.  The first time I tried to insert it, it hurt so much I could only get the tip in.  Having learned my lesson about pushing through pain, I stopped and gave up for the day. Each time I tried D2, I noticed tiny bits of progress.  I got it halfway.  Then 3/4 of the way.  I was pleased, but also frustrated. Why wouldn't it just go in? My brain so badly wanted it to, but my vagina and PC muscles just wouldn't comply.

3 days ago, I finally conquered it.  It went all the way in. But much like my experience with the first time I fully inserted D1, the pain and feeling of being burned and stabbed was unbearable.  Knowing what was coming next, I reluctantly pulled it out and, of course, it was covered in blood.  I traipsed to the bathroom, cleaned myself up and wore a sanitary towel for a couple of hours.  By the time I left the house, later that evening, the bleeding had stopped and there was no trace of what had happened.

But the memory is still in my brain, and I haven't touched the dilators since.  I'm psyching myself up to get back into it, because I don't want to give my brain time to feel the fear and let all the old anxiety about inserting worm it's way back into my mind.

I just need to keep telling myself, that this happened with D1. But now it's fine.  It's now happened with D2, but it will be fine after a few more tries.  It will almost definitely happen with D3 and D4 but this just seems to be part of my process.

Still a long way to go. Still more pain ahead.

One step forward, two steps back.

But eventually I'll make it.


  1. Hang in there! Eventually you'll work your way up. If you think about it, you went from "Do I even have a vagina?" to "look! the D0 is in me!!" (that was how it was for me :D )
    I like to hold the dilator a couple of secs just on the outside, but still touching the body, just so that my body can get used to it - and meanwhile I focus on positive thoughts.
    Doing gentle kegels with the dilator inside of you are also helpful...Do those with the d0 first though.
    Stay strong!

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  3. Panic set in, and I ran to the bathroom to try and work out what the hell I had done to

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