After years and years of avoidance, I have now gone in the complete opposite direction.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am totally addicted to dilators.
Since I first successfully inserted dilator 0 (D0) two weeks ago, and felt that initial buzz of disbelief, excitement and total and utter joyful shock, I just can't get enough. The minute I get home from work I put the oven on and dilate. If I have a morning off, I watch daytime TV and dilate. In the evening, after a busy day, I have a nice bubble bath and, you guessed it, dilate.
I have now mastered the art of D0, am comfortable with D1, and have started to attempt to conquer D2. I can insert about half of it, before the burning vaginismus pain shows its ugly face. But all of this in two weeks? Success!
I am a very goal oriented person, and get a real kick from making 'to do lists' and subsequently ticking things off the list. I am a highly organised, effective project coordinator, with enthusiasm and motivation by the bucketload. I am the IDEAL CANDIDATE to handle the mammoth job of overcoming vaginismus, as quickly as humanly possible.
At my last therapy session, I gleefully told my therapist about my success with the dilators. I told her that I was super excited for my next period so that I could start using tampons. And I was also making space in my busy schedule of dilating every minute of the day to go for a smear test.
TOUCH OWN VAG. Check!
INSERT DILATORS. Check!
SMEAR TEST. Check!
However, to my surprise, my therapist didn't share my manic levels of enthusiasm. She suggested that I slow down. Take my time. Celebrate small steps, but stop rushing ahead. And remember to include my husband. I have been so wrapped up in my 'targets', I haven't been including him in any of the treatment.
In short, stop treating my vaginismus therapy as a project.
And so, it still surprises me a little, that I am trying to dilate less. I am sticking to my faithful sanitary towels, and staying away from the smear test for now. I am not rushing through the different sized dilators at record speed. I am taking the time to celebrate the little successes and taking the time to just breathe.
And watch the change in my mind and body as it takes place. And enjoy it.
Goodbye Project Vag. Hello calm! It'll happen when it happens, and that's OK.