Wednesday, 14 October 2015


Since turning 30, I have witnessed an explosion of friends, family members and colleagues announcing that they are having a baby.  I know that women all over the world have been doing this for a very long time, but it's only since moving into the new age bracket that it really seems to be on my radar. And it's EVERYWHERE. And nobody is panicking.  Because women my age can, should and will have babies, and this is totally normal... and most of them make it look very easy.

Until you add vaginismus to the mix, and then it is definitely NOT easy.

For many women with vaginismus, the desire to have a baby is the kick up the vag that we need to deal with our problem.  Before that, it's much easier to hide dilators in the cupboard and be the amazing queen of the blow jobs.  But sadly, science has yet to advance enough that you can become pregnant by oral sex, and eventually the demon must be confronted.  This was definitely a factor for me in finally getting a move on and going back to therapy.  Although I am not keen for a baby at this exact point in my life, I definitely want to know that when the time is right, it will at least be possible...
I feel like babies, maternity pay, child birth and nursery decor is a firm topic of conversation now in my peer group's repetoire. Even with friends who dont want babies right now, we still sit and talk about the fear of 'leaving it too late' and 'the ideal time to get pregnant'.  With every friend who announces their pregnancy, a little bit more of my vaginismus riddled brain turns to fear.  EVERYONE is doing it. What if I can never do it? And there's not even a medical reason for my impending childless future. It's pure, psychological nonsense.  When I see yet another baby scan picture on Facebook, my immediate gut feeling is that of annoyance. How DARE they be so insensitive. Of course, I need to take a deep breath and move on from this feeling very quickly.  I am pretty sure nobody is doing this on purpose to hurt my feelings.  How could they? Nobody knows about my vaginismus... And also nobody is that cruel.  

I also have friends who are going through the awful pain of infertility, and having problems conceiving.  I sometimes tell myself that I am in the same boat as them, and know how they feel, but of course this is not the case, and I have to be quite stern with myself when I have these thoughts.  These friends have very little control over what is happening to them, which is scary, sad and frustrating.  With vaginismus, I actually have a huge amount of power over the problem- I just need to be brave enough to face it head on and take control. It's still scary, sad and frustrating, but there is no reason to feel hopeless.  

So in the meantime, I will continue to be a support to my pregnant friends, and a brilliant aunt to all my new, tiny friends.  And I will use how happy they make me feel as inspiration and motivation to overcome the big V.  

Know what I mean? Talk to me! 


  1. I know exactly what you mean!!

    1. I'm so glad to hear I'm not alone with this! This one was quite hard to write as it sounds so unreasonable, but you can't help how you feel. Hopefully it wont feel like this for too much longer, for either of us x